THE MORNING RAGA

As the yoga teachers take the day off on the 25th of November, I complete 9 months of yoga at the Sivananda Centre.

It has been a challenging journey for me. I was fighting cancer. Last February, I had just completed the basic treatment, had blotchy skin and had an inch length of grey hair sprouting out….I looked awful and felt awful and was afraid to face the world again. That was when I had walked into F 42 South City I, not knowing what to expect, and full of apprehensions. My first meeting with Arun Sir, was reassuring, but not promising, as I did not believe in promises any longer.

I had disastrously low immunity, no stamina what- so- ever and an excruciatingly painful back. Hobbling out of bed with a bent back, gradually giving myself time to even stand up straight was the most usual morning routine for me. I had wiped out the memory of the childhood spring out of bed, to embrace the hobble with grace. I had decided that physical pain was a part of my life and I needed to carry on with it. Along with an abundance of pain and exhaustion, I had an abundance of courage and hope.

It was a rather slow start. The Beginners’ Course by Vinod Sir gave an encouraging glimpse into what I could achieve. Thus my journey began. Six rounds of Surya Namaskar was as big a challenge as conquering the Everest!!! I could not even do the dumbest thing like stretching myself in to the “child’s pose”. My back killed me!!! I religiously attended the yoga classes three to four times a week, even though I went in for an extended chemo therapy every three weeks all the while!!

I could not lift up both my legs. I used to be in agonizing pain. It was around the third month that one morning Arun Sir helped me raise my legs and hold on to my thighs while everybody else practiced the “shoulder stand”!! I was shamefully proud of myself!!!

In the last six months, six rounds of Surya Namaskar, stretching back into the child’s pose, getting into the shoulder stand with the help of the teacher became an easy task for me. It has been only a week now that I do not need help to get into the shoulder stand any longer…..I can do it on my own!!!

I go for a brisk walk thrice a week and I still attend yoga classes four times a week. Naveen Sir’s gentle smile greets me each morning as I embrace the day with yoga. The gorgeous dawn beckons me as I spring out of bed. My hobble is a thing of the past. In fact it is a brand new morning raga for me now!!!

Every single teacher of the Sivananda Yoga Centre is Patience personified and has helped to create a different world for a person like me. I sent my best wishes, my warm regards to every teacher and I say the two little words: Thank You!!

TRYING TO BOUNCE BACK!

I hated my blotchy skin, my grey stubby hair, my teeny eye lashes….I hated the way I looked. I was depressed because I did not know how to get back to LIFE. And all of this low state cobwebbed in me after I began feeling better!!! It took me a while to accept myself, my changed looks and move on. I first joined a Book Club. It took an immense amount of courage to step out of the comfort zone and meet people who did not know me. We met at a lovely lady, Tara’s place. Even with Pradipta by my side, I was so self conscious that I could not speak. When I finally tried to introduce myself, my voice was hoarse and I croaked!!! Fortunately there were some wonderful people and by the time the evening was out, I felt a lot better. I do look forward to the Book Club meetings now. My next mammoth effort was to be involved in a “play reading”. Since my grey hair is a wee bit more presentable and my skin, a little less blotchy, I wasn’t so nervous. I thoroughly enjoyed reading my role. The experience took me back to school and college!! Thanks to some great people, Pradipta and I had a terrific evening again. We are so looking forward to the next evening of “play reading”. I was consciously goading my self confidence to climb up another notch, but it received a severe blow! It slumped down when my dear friend Sumita could not recognize me at her son’s wedding!! I realized how much I had changed!!! I was distraught, but then I reasoned with myself. I was a changed person after all….so naturally my looks were also different! I joined Sivananda Yoga classes. That was my next step forward. It takes an effort to tell people about my medical condition, but once done, it is easy. The instructors are wonderful and every day is a novel experience. Last week I received a phone call from DPS Sushant Lok requesting me to teach there! The school is 5 minutes away from home and I hopped across to it. Teach French to school children? I could do that even in deep sleep!!! I promised them that I would go across twice a week and teach the little ones from the new academic session. I have just completed one year of struggle and I am trying to catapult back to life!!! I look bad but I feel good. The Merciful God has placed tiny opportunities before me and terrific people around me. I embrace both with a lot of gratitude.

DOWN IN THE DUMPS!!!

I am grateful to be alive, to see the sun rise each morning. I feel blessed.

A month back I was going through a “down in the dumps” phase. I stopped writing the blog. I just wanted to withdraw and drown in myself. I wanted to have nothing to do with the world around me. “Why am I fighting?”, “Am I really going to be free of cancer?”, “What am I going to do when I get better?”, “How will I fit myself into the world around me again?” Ever since I had shed my armor, my bandana, I felt vulnerable and a myriad of questions badgered my mind. I broke down. I confided in my best friend, my husband. We discussed it at length and he concluded that I probably needed professional help.

After having voiced my turbulent thoughts once, I mustered the courage to confide in my dear friend, Madhu, over coffee at CCD. She had goaded me to get out of home and meet her. In the sweetest sort of way she told me to pull myself up and not bask in self sympathy...she said, that was not “me”. I was not elated, but I felt a lot better.

Then it was my friend, Ritu who snapped me out of my weepy, whiny state. “You don’t always have to be chirpy! It’s fine to be grouchy, or weepy…you have a right to be so! In fact you can even be nasty if you want!!!” she counseled me. That did it!! It worked wonders to know that I do have the blessed right to drown myself in self sympathy and even sulk.

Of course, it was providential that soon after; I was suddenly involved in a host of activities that left me no time to brood. I resumed teaching my neighbor’s child, editing my last book, reading and baking cakes.

I am acutely aware of the finality of everything, yet this awareness makes me LIVE each moment with immense joy. I am all set to embrace the world around me once again.