DOWN IN THE DUMPS!!!

I am grateful to be alive, to see the sun rise each morning. I feel blessed.

A month back I was going through a “down in the dumps” phase. I stopped writing the blog. I just wanted to withdraw and drown in myself. I wanted to have nothing to do with the world around me. “Why am I fighting?”, “Am I really going to be free of cancer?”, “What am I going to do when I get better?”, “How will I fit myself into the world around me again?” Ever since I had shed my armor, my bandana, I felt vulnerable and a myriad of questions badgered my mind. I broke down. I confided in my best friend, my husband. We discussed it at length and he concluded that I probably needed professional help.

After having voiced my turbulent thoughts once, I mustered the courage to confide in my dear friend, Madhu, over coffee at CCD. She had goaded me to get out of home and meet her. In the sweetest sort of way she told me to pull myself up and not bask in self sympathy...she said, that was not “me”. I was not elated, but I felt a lot better.

Then it was my friend, Ritu who snapped me out of my weepy, whiny state. “You don’t always have to be chirpy! It’s fine to be grouchy, or weepy…you have a right to be so! In fact you can even be nasty if you want!!!” she counseled me. That did it!! It worked wonders to know that I do have the blessed right to drown myself in self sympathy and even sulk.

Of course, it was providential that soon after; I was suddenly involved in a host of activities that left me no time to brood. I resumed teaching my neighbor’s child, editing my last book, reading and baking cakes.

I am acutely aware of the finality of everything, yet this awareness makes me LIVE each moment with immense joy. I am all set to embrace the world around me once again.