Thursday, July 29, 2010
VODKA IS SO DECEPTIVE!!
Do you remember that I drink Bloody Mary occasionally?
After four rounds of Campari, Gin and Tonic water, I am on Vodka now.
I am on a new drug for chemo therapy now…Paclitaxel or Taxol. I have had three rounds of it, and it marches me off to Hell! 500 ml of the blessed medicine is administered to me over 3hours! Then there is a pre medication of 30 minutes and a post medication of another 30 minutes. It drives me nuts!
By the time I stagger back home, I am groggy and so exhausted! Strangely, I am quite free from any kind of side effect till the next day. Just when I begin to hope that probably this time there is no adverse reaction, it hits me….BOOOOM!!!
I always believed that I could bear a lot of pain, but “body ache” has a new definition for me now. It feels as if my bones get pounded by a pestle and I am in crushing pain. I pop in paracetamols which only help to a certain degree, but when the vodka hits, it just hits!!
Around the 4th day after chemo, just when I have surrendered to the torture, the body ache mysteriously disappears. I keep expecting it, but it does not come back, as if it had never happened!! It makes an idiot out of me and that is when the REAL fun begins!!!
The neuropathic problem begins with my palms. They start tingling as if I have pins and needles and they burn. Then the uncomfortable sensation gradually spreads to almost every where on the body. It is so unbearable that I don’t think I know a word to describe it. I am in utter agony and there is absolutely no way of getting rid of it!!
Dear Dr Rao has prescribed Lyrica capsules to reduce the problem, but I have taken to chanting and meditation in a serious way. It may sound ridiculous and idiotic, but I believe that I can control it to a certain degree by controlling my mind. And that is exactly what I have been practicing. Every time a bout hits me, I sit down; I calm myself and I either chant or meditate. Sometimes I need to do both. The intensity of the bout reduces.
As I said, it may be stupid, but I am surviving on it so far!! I pray to God that it sees me through the last round of chemo therapy. I keep my faith.
After four rounds of Campari, Gin and Tonic water, I am on Vodka now.
I am on a new drug for chemo therapy now…Paclitaxel or Taxol. I have had three rounds of it, and it marches me off to Hell! 500 ml of the blessed medicine is administered to me over 3hours! Then there is a pre medication of 30 minutes and a post medication of another 30 minutes. It drives me nuts!
By the time I stagger back home, I am groggy and so exhausted! Strangely, I am quite free from any kind of side effect till the next day. Just when I begin to hope that probably this time there is no adverse reaction, it hits me….BOOOOM!!!
I always believed that I could bear a lot of pain, but “body ache” has a new definition for me now. It feels as if my bones get pounded by a pestle and I am in crushing pain. I pop in paracetamols which only help to a certain degree, but when the vodka hits, it just hits!!
Around the 4th day after chemo, just when I have surrendered to the torture, the body ache mysteriously disappears. I keep expecting it, but it does not come back, as if it had never happened!! It makes an idiot out of me and that is when the REAL fun begins!!!
The neuropathic problem begins with my palms. They start tingling as if I have pins and needles and they burn. Then the uncomfortable sensation gradually spreads to almost every where on the body. It is so unbearable that I don’t think I know a word to describe it. I am in utter agony and there is absolutely no way of getting rid of it!!
Dear Dr Rao has prescribed Lyrica capsules to reduce the problem, but I have taken to chanting and meditation in a serious way. It may sound ridiculous and idiotic, but I believe that I can control it to a certain degree by controlling my mind. And that is exactly what I have been practicing. Every time a bout hits me, I sit down; I calm myself and I either chant or meditate. Sometimes I need to do both. The intensity of the bout reduces.
As I said, it may be stupid, but I am surviving on it so far!! I pray to God that it sees me through the last round of chemo therapy. I keep my faith.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I AM SUCH A SHOW OFF!!! :))
Dr Ranga Rao has heard me blow my trumpet about a million times. To shut me up he says that he will get in touch with the Limca Book of Records!!
You see, 24 hours after every chemo therapy I need to take Neupogen injections for eight consecutive days to increase my blood count. In spite of my disastrous weakness, I used to have to go to a nearby hospital every single day only to have the injection administered. It used to kill me. On one such day while the nurse was giving me the injection, she mentioned that one could also administer it oneself. That did it!
The next time that I went in for chemo therapy, I asked dear sister Raji to teach me. By the time I staggered back home, I was convinced that I would administer it myself. Pradipta did not want to argue as I was so unwell.
I began the next day. At first I could not even open the blessed phial. My hands shook as I fixed the needle. I was nervous yet dead certain that I would do it. I did it!!! :)
My blood count shot up in that cycle. Dr Rao laughed. I announced that I had administered the injections myself. “Now I know the reason for such a blood count!” He said. He reduced the number of injections to five.
I rang up my mum, I rang up Mithu, my sister and I rang up my friend Nita. I blew my trumpet and told them of my achievement! But that was not enough. During my last round of chemo therapy, my surgeon, Dr. Sahni walked into the chemo room to say “Hello!” to me. I always love chatting with him, so how could I deny myself my moment of glory? I needed to show off to him too!
And now, whether you have or haven’t realized, I need to show off to you too! So here goes a post on my blog “I GIVE MYSELF INJECTIONS!! AHEM!!! ":)
You see, 24 hours after every chemo therapy I need to take Neupogen injections for eight consecutive days to increase my blood count. In spite of my disastrous weakness, I used to have to go to a nearby hospital every single day only to have the injection administered. It used to kill me. On one such day while the nurse was giving me the injection, she mentioned that one could also administer it oneself. That did it!
The next time that I went in for chemo therapy, I asked dear sister Raji to teach me. By the time I staggered back home, I was convinced that I would administer it myself. Pradipta did not want to argue as I was so unwell.
I began the next day. At first I could not even open the blessed phial. My hands shook as I fixed the needle. I was nervous yet dead certain that I would do it. I did it!!! :)
My blood count shot up in that cycle. Dr Rao laughed. I announced that I had administered the injections myself. “Now I know the reason for such a blood count!” He said. He reduced the number of injections to five.
I rang up my mum, I rang up Mithu, my sister and I rang up my friend Nita. I blew my trumpet and told them of my achievement! But that was not enough. During my last round of chemo therapy, my surgeon, Dr. Sahni walked into the chemo room to say “Hello!” to me. I always love chatting with him, so how could I deny myself my moment of glory? I needed to show off to him too!
And now, whether you have or haven’t realized, I need to show off to you too! So here goes a post on my blog “I GIVE MYSELF INJECTIONS!! AHEM!!! ":)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A WORLD FULL OF ANGELS
I have a host of angels around me. My Creator knew that I needed them desperately and He decided to be generous.
Pradipta, my husband is my very best friend. He is a pillar of strength and is with me every moment. He, and the children, Diya and Tisham live with me through my highs and lows, through my happy moments and my grouchy state. They have such patience!
My mum worries about me a lot. My brother and my sister keep a brave face but I know that they are very anxious too. They ring me up every day! Pradipta’s parents, his cousins, my cousins, in fact both our families shower so much love and concern. I keep wondering if I really deserve all of it!
My friends, Madhu, Soma, Dipadi and her husband were continuously with Pradipta when I was undergoing surgery. Their very presence made such a difference to him! Madhu and Soma are two very special friends.
Then there are my dear friends Mahua, Manisha and Meena who taught me to chant "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo". Each day that I feel low, I turn to Mahua. Her unceasing and encouraging messages never fail to renew my courage. She is so amazing!
Meena is my beautiful friend at VLCC. She would not let me pay for going bald and chants for me everyday no matter how tired she is. Then there is Farukh, my favourite hair stylist at VLCC. He was happy to cut my hair short but his eyes moistened when he was to shave my head a fortnight later. He did not even accept a tip! I was so humbled by his sensitivity!
My very dear friend Nita, practices Reiki and is a disciple of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Every time I struggle, I am certain there are blessings coming my way from her. No matter how busy she is, she finds time to speak to me almost every day!
Sangeeta Goel and Renu Gulati are perfect gems! Sangeeta types out jokes for me every morning to ensure that I laugh when I begin my day! Lena, Sumita, Sunanda, Ena, Godavari, Rechenda and Rakhee are such dear friends and so very caring!
There are my school friends whom I have known since the age of six! They would not let me sink. Mudita says I cannot sink when there are so many floats around! There is Prabha, Mudita, Anjali, Sonia, Jasho and a host of others. Ritu, Nisha and Nita are with me whenever I need them. They make me laugh. It gives me such pleasure to be with them!
Dear Mrs Reinu Nagarkar, my Head Mistress at DPS RK Puram enquires after me every single day. Inspite of her busy schedule, she always finds time! There are my other colleagues and friends like Jyoti Bakshi, Rewa, Prema, Suman and Laxmi. I am certain that I do not deserve the immense love that they all send me!
My neighbors Suniti Agha, Rewathi , Nandini Gulati and Subroto and Sharmila Majumdar are terrific people. Nandini heads a spiritual group and reached out to me when I was struggling. Subroto and Sharmila began chanting for me! They are all there for me all the time.
This morning, as I read a warm message from my dear student Sanya, I wondered why God created a world full of angels. I feel a warm glow as I look around and see my family and friends. I am so humbled by their love and I know I cannot sink. I must swim!
Pradipta, my husband is my very best friend. He is a pillar of strength and is with me every moment. He, and the children, Diya and Tisham live with me through my highs and lows, through my happy moments and my grouchy state. They have such patience!
My mum worries about me a lot. My brother and my sister keep a brave face but I know that they are very anxious too. They ring me up every day! Pradipta’s parents, his cousins, my cousins, in fact both our families shower so much love and concern. I keep wondering if I really deserve all of it!
My friends, Madhu, Soma, Dipadi and her husband were continuously with Pradipta when I was undergoing surgery. Their very presence made such a difference to him! Madhu and Soma are two very special friends.
Then there are my dear friends Mahua, Manisha and Meena who taught me to chant "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo". Each day that I feel low, I turn to Mahua. Her unceasing and encouraging messages never fail to renew my courage. She is so amazing!
Meena is my beautiful friend at VLCC. She would not let me pay for going bald and chants for me everyday no matter how tired she is. Then there is Farukh, my favourite hair stylist at VLCC. He was happy to cut my hair short but his eyes moistened when he was to shave my head a fortnight later. He did not even accept a tip! I was so humbled by his sensitivity!
My very dear friend Nita, practices Reiki and is a disciple of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Every time I struggle, I am certain there are blessings coming my way from her. No matter how busy she is, she finds time to speak to me almost every day!
Sangeeta Goel and Renu Gulati are perfect gems! Sangeeta types out jokes for me every morning to ensure that I laugh when I begin my day! Lena, Sumita, Sunanda, Ena, Godavari, Rechenda and Rakhee are such dear friends and so very caring!
There are my school friends whom I have known since the age of six! They would not let me sink. Mudita says I cannot sink when there are so many floats around! There is Prabha, Mudita, Anjali, Sonia, Jasho and a host of others. Ritu, Nisha and Nita are with me whenever I need them. They make me laugh. It gives me such pleasure to be with them!
Dear Mrs Reinu Nagarkar, my Head Mistress at DPS RK Puram enquires after me every single day. Inspite of her busy schedule, she always finds time! There are my other colleagues and friends like Jyoti Bakshi, Rewa, Prema, Suman and Laxmi. I am certain that I do not deserve the immense love that they all send me!
My neighbors Suniti Agha, Rewathi , Nandini Gulati and Subroto and Sharmila Majumdar are terrific people. Nandini heads a spiritual group and reached out to me when I was struggling. Subroto and Sharmila began chanting for me! They are all there for me all the time.
This morning, as I read a warm message from my dear student Sanya, I wondered why God created a world full of angels. I feel a warm glow as I look around and see my family and friends. I am so humbled by their love and I know I cannot sink. I must swim!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
BEAUTIFUL LINES !
I read these beautiful lines somewhere:
anywhere i roam, where i lay my head is home
carved upon my stone, my body lie but still i roam
anywhere i roam, where i lay my head is home
carved upon my stone, my body lie but still i roam
BALD IS BOLD!
I lost 75% of my hair in the shower that day. That was the 11th day after the first round of chemo. Considering all the compliments that I received, I thought I quite liked my short hair style. Unfortunately it was not to last. My hair just dropped off… swish….as if I had been sporting a wig!
Well, I decided that I would look pretty stunning if I went bald. I also decided that I needed to be courageous and shave off my hair. My wonderful doctors, Dr Sid Sahni and Dr. Ranga Rao endorsed my decision.
I walked into VLCC and confided in Meena, my dear friend. She whisked me off to a private room, called Farukh, my favorite hair stylist, and told him what needed to be done. Farukh just stared at the few remaining strands for a split second as I took off my fashionable hat. He gave me a big smile, but his eyes almost leaked. He finished his job in minutes.
My mum wept on seeing me when I returned home. But I inspected my skull like a critic inspecting a precious piece of sculpture, tried various innovative ways of sporting the bandanas, and decided that being bald was not quite so bad.
Well, I decided that I would look pretty stunning if I went bald. I also decided that I needed to be courageous and shave off my hair. My wonderful doctors, Dr Sid Sahni and Dr. Ranga Rao endorsed my decision.
I walked into VLCC and confided in Meena, my dear friend. She whisked me off to a private room, called Farukh, my favorite hair stylist, and told him what needed to be done. Farukh just stared at the few remaining strands for a split second as I took off my fashionable hat. He gave me a big smile, but his eyes almost leaked. He finished his job in minutes.
My mum wept on seeing me when I returned home. But I inspected my skull like a critic inspecting a precious piece of sculpture, tried various innovative ways of sporting the bandanas, and decided that being bald was not quite so bad.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I WAS DRUNK!! YIPEE!! :)
It is unbelievable how useless I am at drinking alcohol! Other than the occasional Bloody Mary, it is only the saintly Nimbu Soda that I can take. I gave up pretending or trying to be the “in”, fashionable lady ages back!
The chemo therapy started on the 29th of April. That was the dreaded day. I was terrified! Early in the morning the nurses walked in smiling brightly. They carried all kinds of stuff that made me even more scared.
One of the nurses inserted the needle through my chemo port while another hung up a thick plastic packet and attached it to the needle. She said it was a “pre medication” before the chemo. It was going to last for 30 minutes. That was the soda I took in, thinking “That is so easy”!!
Campari came next. It was Adriamycin, gorgeously red and deadly!! Drop by drop it seeped in me as I stared at its beautiful red colour. I began to feel drowsy. The sweet sister assured me it was perfectly timed to seep in for the next 30 minutes. “Great”, I thought.
Feeling relatively drunk, I passed in and out of sleep when I felt a tug at that tube connected to my needle. I was through with beautiful campari. This was another bigger white packet. “What is this, sister?” I croaked. She replied, “Endoxan” with such joy! “Oh, that is gin, then”, I told myself, and sank back.
The potent gin pushed its way through my needle drop by drop for the next one hour. I had almost passed out by then. Remember how useless I am at taking alcoholic drinks? Two hours was certainly a bit much!
I was totally drunk. I could not think or open my eyes. “The last 30 minutes”, said Sister. “This is post medication and flush for the chemo port,” she added. “No problem, Sister.” I muttered. Tonic water would do me good. I sank back helplessly into my drunken state. There was peace all around me. I had undergone my first chemo therapy!
The chemo therapy started on the 29th of April. That was the dreaded day. I was terrified! Early in the morning the nurses walked in smiling brightly. They carried all kinds of stuff that made me even more scared.
One of the nurses inserted the needle through my chemo port while another hung up a thick plastic packet and attached it to the needle. She said it was a “pre medication” before the chemo. It was going to last for 30 minutes. That was the soda I took in, thinking “That is so easy”!!
Campari came next. It was Adriamycin, gorgeously red and deadly!! Drop by drop it seeped in me as I stared at its beautiful red colour. I began to feel drowsy. The sweet sister assured me it was perfectly timed to seep in for the next 30 minutes. “Great”, I thought.
Feeling relatively drunk, I passed in and out of sleep when I felt a tug at that tube connected to my needle. I was through with beautiful campari. This was another bigger white packet. “What is this, sister?” I croaked. She replied, “Endoxan” with such joy! “Oh, that is gin, then”, I told myself, and sank back.
The potent gin pushed its way through my needle drop by drop for the next one hour. I had almost passed out by then. Remember how useless I am at taking alcoholic drinks? Two hours was certainly a bit much!
I was totally drunk. I could not think or open my eyes. “The last 30 minutes”, said Sister. “This is post medication and flush for the chemo port,” she added. “No problem, Sister.” I muttered. Tonic water would do me good. I sank back helplessly into my drunken state. There was peace all around me. I had undergone my first chemo therapy!
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Bus Stand
THE BUS STAND
This was the 5th time that I had gone under the knife for some blessed reason or another. I was kind of used to the OTs and Recovering Rooms. I was also kind of familiar with the feeling of being thrown in Hell, somebody lifting the heavy body, throwing it on another bed, passing out, feeling miserable, then hearing my husband’s comforting voice etc. These were the usual feelings.
This time, the 5th time, I was lying on a hospital bed in a Recovering room, awaiting my turn to be wheeled into the OT. For some weird reason I was petrified this time. Apart from the fact that I was suffering from the dreaded “C” disease, I think I was also afraid because the surgeon, Dr Sid Sahni, said that only after the surgery, when the sentinel nodes had been biopsied, could he for certain tell us whether the cancer had spread anywhere else or not. I was in jitters and so was Pradipta, I think!
It seemed an eternity as I lay on that narrow bed, praying. Once the wonderful hospital staff and the polite anesthetist had finished off with the formalities, nobody really seemed to even acknowledge my presence. I looked around trying to calm myself down. I was in this enormous hall with innumerable cubicles separated by white curtains. There were patients being wheeled in and wheeled out. “Number 23 to go to OT 5” somebody shouted. Within minutes nurses began rolling out a bed like mine! Oh my God, what number am I, I wondered. Soon I heard, “Number 15 “opthal”. to go to cabin 10”. I have no idea, whether the patient rolled into the RR was number 15 or not but that somebody had countless tubes fitted all over the face!!! I could not for the life of me, guess whether the person was a woman or a man!!
I felt small, in fact insignificant, and indignant over there! I always knew that I was a perfectly nice, relatively special woman, considering that my family and friends loved me. I thought that I had an identity, a name. I thought that I was “someone”. You know what I mean…some one special in a nice sort of a way!! Well, I felt insignificant because, there, I was not a person with a name or anything. I was just a number! In fact I was not even “someone”. I was just a puny “something”!!
I realized that the Recovering Room was just like a bus stand. People just boarded beds and went into or left the OTs. Their names, sex, achievements or their failures did not matter in the least. Every hospital staff is a “karma yogi”. Each on of them went about doing the jobs to the best of one’s ability with a smile on the lips.
I demand, I desire, I achieve, or I fail. I see Life in its complexities. Yet Life is so very simple! At the end of the day, all that I recognize, is my smallness in the face of Life!!
This was the 5th time that I had gone under the knife for some blessed reason or another. I was kind of used to the OTs and Recovering Rooms. I was also kind of familiar with the feeling of being thrown in Hell, somebody lifting the heavy body, throwing it on another bed, passing out, feeling miserable, then hearing my husband’s comforting voice etc. These were the usual feelings.
This time, the 5th time, I was lying on a hospital bed in a Recovering room, awaiting my turn to be wheeled into the OT. For some weird reason I was petrified this time. Apart from the fact that I was suffering from the dreaded “C” disease, I think I was also afraid because the surgeon, Dr Sid Sahni, said that only after the surgery, when the sentinel nodes had been biopsied, could he for certain tell us whether the cancer had spread anywhere else or not. I was in jitters and so was Pradipta, I think!
It seemed an eternity as I lay on that narrow bed, praying. Once the wonderful hospital staff and the polite anesthetist had finished off with the formalities, nobody really seemed to even acknowledge my presence. I looked around trying to calm myself down. I was in this enormous hall with innumerable cubicles separated by white curtains. There were patients being wheeled in and wheeled out. “Number 23 to go to OT 5” somebody shouted. Within minutes nurses began rolling out a bed like mine! Oh my God, what number am I, I wondered. Soon I heard, “Number 15 “opthal”. to go to cabin 10”. I have no idea, whether the patient rolled into the RR was number 15 or not but that somebody had countless tubes fitted all over the face!!! I could not for the life of me, guess whether the person was a woman or a man!!
I felt small, in fact insignificant, and indignant over there! I always knew that I was a perfectly nice, relatively special woman, considering that my family and friends loved me. I thought that I had an identity, a name. I thought that I was “someone”. You know what I mean…some one special in a nice sort of a way!! Well, I felt insignificant because, there, I was not a person with a name or anything. I was just a number! In fact I was not even “someone”. I was just a puny “something”!!
I realized that the Recovering Room was just like a bus stand. People just boarded beds and went into or left the OTs. Their names, sex, achievements or their failures did not matter in the least. Every hospital staff is a “karma yogi”. Each on of them went about doing the jobs to the best of one’s ability with a smile on the lips.
I demand, I desire, I achieve, or I fail. I see Life in its complexities. Yet Life is so very simple! At the end of the day, all that I recognize, is my smallness in the face of Life!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
