THE MORNING RAGA

As the yoga teachers take the day off on the 25th of November, I complete 9 months of yoga at the Sivananda Centre.

It has been a challenging journey for me. I was fighting cancer. Last February, I had just completed the basic treatment, had blotchy skin and had an inch length of grey hair sprouting out….I looked awful and felt awful and was afraid to face the world again. That was when I had walked into F 42 South City I, not knowing what to expect, and full of apprehensions. My first meeting with Arun Sir, was reassuring, but not promising, as I did not believe in promises any longer.

I had disastrously low immunity, no stamina what- so- ever and an excruciatingly painful back. Hobbling out of bed with a bent back, gradually giving myself time to even stand up straight was the most usual morning routine for me. I had wiped out the memory of the childhood spring out of bed, to embrace the hobble with grace. I had decided that physical pain was a part of my life and I needed to carry on with it. Along with an abundance of pain and exhaustion, I had an abundance of courage and hope.

It was a rather slow start. The Beginners’ Course by Vinod Sir gave an encouraging glimpse into what I could achieve. Thus my journey began. Six rounds of Surya Namaskar was as big a challenge as conquering the Everest!!! I could not even do the dumbest thing like stretching myself in to the “child’s pose”. My back killed me!!! I religiously attended the yoga classes three to four times a week, even though I went in for an extended chemo therapy every three weeks all the while!!

I could not lift up both my legs. I used to be in agonizing pain. It was around the third month that one morning Arun Sir helped me raise my legs and hold on to my thighs while everybody else practiced the “shoulder stand”!! I was shamefully proud of myself!!!

In the last six months, six rounds of Surya Namaskar, stretching back into the child’s pose, getting into the shoulder stand with the help of the teacher became an easy task for me. It has been only a week now that I do not need help to get into the shoulder stand any longer…..I can do it on my own!!!

I go for a brisk walk thrice a week and I still attend yoga classes four times a week. Naveen Sir’s gentle smile greets me each morning as I embrace the day with yoga. The gorgeous dawn beckons me as I spring out of bed. My hobble is a thing of the past. In fact it is a brand new morning raga for me now!!!

Every single teacher of the Sivananda Yoga Centre is Patience personified and has helped to create a different world for a person like me. I sent my best wishes, my warm regards to every teacher and I say the two little words: Thank You!!

TRYING TO BOUNCE BACK!

I hated my blotchy skin, my grey stubby hair, my teeny eye lashes….I hated the way I looked. I was depressed because I did not know how to get back to LIFE. And all of this low state cobwebbed in me after I began feeling better!!! It took me a while to accept myself, my changed looks and move on. I first joined a Book Club. It took an immense amount of courage to step out of the comfort zone and meet people who did not know me. We met at a lovely lady, Tara’s place. Even with Pradipta by my side, I was so self conscious that I could not speak. When I finally tried to introduce myself, my voice was hoarse and I croaked!!! Fortunately there were some wonderful people and by the time the evening was out, I felt a lot better. I do look forward to the Book Club meetings now. My next mammoth effort was to be involved in a “play reading”. Since my grey hair is a wee bit more presentable and my skin, a little less blotchy, I wasn’t so nervous. I thoroughly enjoyed reading my role. The experience took me back to school and college!! Thanks to some great people, Pradipta and I had a terrific evening again. We are so looking forward to the next evening of “play reading”. I was consciously goading my self confidence to climb up another notch, but it received a severe blow! It slumped down when my dear friend Sumita could not recognize me at her son’s wedding!! I realized how much I had changed!!! I was distraught, but then I reasoned with myself. I was a changed person after all….so naturally my looks were also different! I joined Sivananda Yoga classes. That was my next step forward. It takes an effort to tell people about my medical condition, but once done, it is easy. The instructors are wonderful and every day is a novel experience. Last week I received a phone call from DPS Sushant Lok requesting me to teach there! The school is 5 minutes away from home and I hopped across to it. Teach French to school children? I could do that even in deep sleep!!! I promised them that I would go across twice a week and teach the little ones from the new academic session. I have just completed one year of struggle and I am trying to catapult back to life!!! I look bad but I feel good. The Merciful God has placed tiny opportunities before me and terrific people around me. I embrace both with a lot of gratitude.

DOWN IN THE DUMPS!!!

I am grateful to be alive, to see the sun rise each morning. I feel blessed.

A month back I was going through a “down in the dumps” phase. I stopped writing the blog. I just wanted to withdraw and drown in myself. I wanted to have nothing to do with the world around me. “Why am I fighting?”, “Am I really going to be free of cancer?”, “What am I going to do when I get better?”, “How will I fit myself into the world around me again?” Ever since I had shed my armor, my bandana, I felt vulnerable and a myriad of questions badgered my mind. I broke down. I confided in my best friend, my husband. We discussed it at length and he concluded that I probably needed professional help.

After having voiced my turbulent thoughts once, I mustered the courage to confide in my dear friend, Madhu, over coffee at CCD. She had goaded me to get out of home and meet her. In the sweetest sort of way she told me to pull myself up and not bask in self sympathy...she said, that was not “me”. I was not elated, but I felt a lot better.

Then it was my friend, Ritu who snapped me out of my weepy, whiny state. “You don’t always have to be chirpy! It’s fine to be grouchy, or weepy…you have a right to be so! In fact you can even be nasty if you want!!!” she counseled me. That did it!! It worked wonders to know that I do have the blessed right to drown myself in self sympathy and even sulk.

Of course, it was providential that soon after; I was suddenly involved in a host of activities that left me no time to brood. I resumed teaching my neighbor’s child, editing my last book, reading and baking cakes.

I am acutely aware of the finality of everything, yet this awareness makes me LIVE each moment with immense joy. I am all set to embrace the world around me once again.

RIP VAN WINKLE!! :-))

As a child I was greatly disturbed by the story of Rip Van Winkle that I read in the Radiant Reader Book II. The idea that one can fall asleep for a hundred years and wake up to find that every thing around him has changed did not appeal to me at all and made me most uncomfortable. Yet today I am humored to realize that I have under gone a Rip Van Winkle –like experience of sorts!

Just a week back, Jai, my gardener, told me with a lot of pride that he had planted some marigolds in the pots. I stared at him for two seconds and asked him, “Marigolds? Why now? They are going to wither!” He almost asked me if I was out my mind and insisted that they would bloom very soon. I kept quiet.

I was intently buying vegetables for the home one morning and silently marveled at the fresh green enticing vegetables, wondering how they were available at this time of the year…I was rather pleased. Little did I realize that they were of course winter veggies!

The other day I attended a ladies soirée after a gap of six months. I was naturally happy to be there and would like to believe that every body was glad to see me. But as I walked in, I noticed that almost everybody was wearing silks. I wondered why everybody was in winter wear!! So was I, mind you, and I even carried a shawl…but I was all confused!

I kept wondering why I was all confused about the season. Of course I knew that the deadly Delhi winter was settling in, but it all seemed to be a mumbo-jumbo in my mind. I was rather disturbed and the confused worm wriggled incessantly in my brain. Then, finally I figured it out. It was during the waning winter that I had been detected with cancer. I had fought it all through summer when I was so completely knocked out. The season had just not registered in my mind. I had only been struggling to live through every isolated day.

I now realize that I have a lost a season! It has just evaporated! From last winter, I sub consciously move to summer, though my conscious mind knows that the cold winter is galloping in. Each morning when I shiver as I remove my blanket, I need to remind myself that summer is over. Today it is a cold winter morning, and every thing is as it should be.

Of course I am not Rip Van Winkle, but it is amazing how the mind can make you one! :-))

DIAL THE TOLL FREE NUMBER

I strutted around saree clad and with a bandana on my head as if I was the 21st century trend setter, if you please!!! I managed to do all that I usually used to do for Durga Pujo and was thrilled about it.

Durga Pujo is a five day festival beginning on sasthi (6th day) to dashami (10th day) of the Navratras. The most auspicious time is the “Sondhi Pujo” which is the union between asthami (8th day) and navami (9th day). The duration of this puja is short and extremely special. The story goes that this is the time that the Goddess killed Ashur, the devil who was tormenting the Gods. One also believes that this is the auspicious time that Ma Durga blessed Ram before he went to fight the battle at Lanka. It is a powerful moment of victory; in fact it is an invocation of shakti (power).

During this puja, the Goddess is worshipped with 108 lotuses and 108 little lamps. The pujari chants a very special vedic mantra as he performs the ritual. The chant, the lamps, the lotuses, and the solemnity of the devotees make the very air emanate incredible energy and the moment is surreal and sublime.

I looked up at the Goddess, the Mother, at this sublime moment with my hands folded in respect. Her face (I felt) was radiant and alive. I stared at Her without a single prayer in my heart!!! I dialed the toll free number and connected with Her. It struck me that at this moment last year, I had prayed that She takes care of my family and loved ones, blesses them and makes them happy. Little did I know what was to happen to me…such things only happened to others, never ever to me!!!

At that moment of sondhi puja, as I stood before Mother, I did not have anything to ask for. She had given me life to enjoy another Durga Puja festival even without asking for it! She protects me from all harm, what is the puny- me going to ask for? I felt small, foolish and vulnerable. I always used to have a list of things that I needed to pray for. For the first time I was acutely conscious of the fact that I was so disastrously ignorant that I did not even know what I “needed” to pray for.

It is a direct hot line connection from point A to point B between Almighty and me and no matter how much I tried or my loved ones tried, there is no way that point C can get linked. The realization is overwhelming. As I dialed the toll free number and connected with the Supreme Power, there was little else I could do but surrender in utter awe. Surprisingly, as I surrendered, I felt the warmth of security and love. It reassured me.

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH APOLLO’S SISTER!!

That is Artemis…she was Apollo’s sister. Being “gay” is “in” and I have a love affair going with her. I am talking about the hospital “Artemis” in Gurgaon.

When I was first referred to Dr Siddharth Sahni, an onco-surgeon, I walked into the Artemis Hospital because I had no choice. I was in pursuit of Dr Sahni. That was the beginning of my affair with Artemis.

I was there everyday and every where. I romanced with her in the OPD rooms, Phlebotomy, Ultra Sound, Mammography rooms. I was in her basement, in the PET scan chamber, in the IPD rooms. The OTs, the Chemo Therapy Centre, The Radiation Therapy chambers, the ICU floors, the various desks, and the toilets at every corner….I know them all, have seen them all in their best and their unkempt states. I bared my body to her and she hid nothing from me!

Our familiarity and love blossomed. I know most of the members of her family …the terrific doctors, the wonderful male and female nurses, the young technicians in every room and the various other staff members. Artemis, too, greets Pradipta as a dear family member.

Every day that I trudge or glide into Artemis, I receive a big welcome smile from everyone that I encounter. The gateman sings “Good Morning Madam” with such exuberance that I feel that, that is the one magical morning that I have been waiting for all my life! The young boys and girls at the desks wear big smiles and never fail to enquire how one is feeling. The nurses wave and smile with twinkling eyes as if to say, “Yippee, let’s have fun!!” And finally when I meet the doctor, he/she has a huge grin to say, “Hey, what is your worry? I am here!!” Try as he might, to be grouchy and sad and morbid, even the skeleton with the cross bow at his mouth would be unable to resist a smile!!!

I was instilled with a phobia that big hospitals fleece you mercilessly till you drop down penniless. I haven’t felt that way at Artemis so far…but after all, we have been lovers for only the last nine months. Do you remember my precious Herceptin that I need to take once every three weeks? Well it comes in 400 mgs packs and I need only 350mgs of it. The chemo therapy centre stashes away the remaining bit of the drug with my name on it so that I can use it during my following chemo session. Pradipta and I danced a jig when we paid zilch during my last session. The left-over drug had accumulated to meet my required dosage!! You do understand why I wanted to give a long passionate kiss to sweet Artemis?

Her culinary skills are pretty pathetic, but other than that my Artemis is young, beautiful, efficient, loving and always holds my hand as is her motto. Commitment is boring and passé. Hence I am convinced that we should not be together for too long. Yet, considering the circumstances, I am glad to have met her, to be with her. God bless dear Artemis!!

FLOATING ON CLOUDS FOUR!!

I don’t have nine clouds to float on. I only have four brilliant ones to lean upon and float over emotional hills and dales, over chasms and meadows. My four brilliant doctors have been helping me float.

When I first encountered each of my doctors, I was terrified. Dr. Siddharth Sahni, the young onco-surgeon had had the unenviable task of telling me that I had cancer. I could have killed him then….I wanted to tell him that he was insane. Pradipta and I felt that we were getting buried alive in a tunnel. Dr. Sahni talked to us, guided me through the various tests, revealed the exciting contents of the Pandora’s Box and helped me to accept the dreaded “C” disease. He operated on me, was with Pradipta every time that he could get out of the OT and was like a dear family member who stood by us all the way.

Six weeks after the surgery, I graduated (not floated) to the second level of treatment. Dr. R. Ranga Rao is the onco-medicine genius. After having been pampered by Dr. Sahni, I dreaded meeting any other doctor. But soon after the first meeting, Dr. Rao erased away my fear. He is such a thorough professional, yet so gentle! His positivity is infectious and it makes me believe that things just cannot go wrong! I have shared my stupidest worries with him and have only received serious, genuine answers to them. He gives the most brilliant medicines to sort the various problems which crop up along the tortuous path of chemo therapy. I told him so one day. He smiled awkwardly and simply said, “Thank You.”

I survived (not floated) through 4 months of aggressive chemo therapy. I began on radio therapy treatment under Dr. Subodh Pandey. I was petrified when I first saw the gigantic machine. But Dr. Pandey and his terrific team helped me through. I was on the dreaded machine for 31 days. Dr. Pandey gently fore warned me of difficulties and advised me on how to tackle them. I trudged (not floated) through the treatment.

Dr. Ruchika Khetarpal is my beautiful cloud. She takes care of the chemo therapy centre. It amazes me how she smiles so caringly when all she sees is discomfort in the chemo room. Her warmth fills the room and she always has something special to say to every patient.

My clouds are brilliant on the inside and dashingly good looking on the outside. All four of them would put a lot of ramp models to shame!!! Ahem!!! :-))

I labored through each phase of the treatment, but 3 weeks after the treatment, as I look back today, I feel as if I am floating on my clouds.

Doctors are not God, and I know not what lies ahead of me. For the moment as I float happily on my clouds, I can only say the two little inadequate words “Thank You!”