As a child I was greatly disturbed by the story of Rip Van Winkle that I read in the Radiant Reader Book II. The idea that one can fall asleep for a hundred years and wake up to find that every thing around him has changed did not appeal to me at all and made me most uncomfortable. Yet today I am humored to realize that I have under gone a Rip Van Winkle –like experience of sorts!
Just a week back, Jai, my gardener, told me with a lot of pride that he had planted some marigolds in the pots. I stared at him for two seconds and asked him, “Marigolds? Why now? They are going to wither!” He almost asked me if I was out my mind and insisted that they would bloom very soon. I kept quiet.
I was intently buying vegetables for the home one morning and silently marveled at the fresh green enticing vegetables, wondering how they were available at this time of the year…I was rather pleased. Little did I realize that they were of course winter veggies!
The other day I attended a ladies soirée after a gap of six months. I was naturally happy to be there and would like to believe that every body was glad to see me. But as I walked in, I noticed that almost everybody was wearing silks. I wondered why everybody was in winter wear!! So was I, mind you, and I even carried a shawl…but I was all confused!
I kept wondering why I was all confused about the season. Of course I knew that the deadly Delhi winter was settling in, but it all seemed to be a mumbo-jumbo in my mind. I was rather disturbed and the confused worm wriggled incessantly in my brain. Then, finally I figured it out. It was during the waning winter that I had been detected with cancer. I had fought it all through summer when I was so completely knocked out. The season had just not registered in my mind. I had only been struggling to live through every isolated day.
I now realize that I have a lost a season! It has just evaporated! From last winter, I sub consciously move to summer, though my conscious mind knows that the cold winter is galloping in. Each morning when I shiver as I remove my blanket, I need to remind myself that summer is over. Today it is a cold winter morning, and every thing is as it should be.
Of course I am not Rip Van Winkle, but it is amazing how the mind can make you one! :-))
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
DIAL THE TOLL FREE NUMBER
I strutted around saree clad and with a bandana on my head as if I was the 21st century trend setter, if you please!!! I managed to do all that I usually used to do for Durga Pujo and was thrilled about it.
Durga Pujo is a five day festival beginning on sasthi (6th day) to dashami (10th day) of the Navratras. The most auspicious time is the “Sondhi Pujo” which is the union between asthami (8th day) and navami (9th day). The duration of this puja is short and extremely special. The story goes that this is the time that the Goddess killed Ashur, the devil who was tormenting the Gods. One also believes that this is the auspicious time that Ma Durga blessed Ram before he went to fight the battle at Lanka. It is a powerful moment of victory; in fact it is an invocation of shakti (power).
During this puja, the Goddess is worshipped with 108 lotuses and 108 little lamps. The pujari chants a very special vedic mantra as he performs the ritual. The chant, the lamps, the lotuses, and the solemnity of the devotees make the very air emanate incredible energy and the moment is surreal and sublime.
I looked up at the Goddess, the Mother, at this sublime moment with my hands folded in respect. Her face (I felt) was radiant and alive. I stared at Her without a single prayer in my heart!!! I dialed the toll free number and connected with Her. It struck me that at this moment last year, I had prayed that She takes care of my family and loved ones, blesses them and makes them happy. Little did I know what was to happen to me…such things only happened to others, never ever to me!!!
At that moment of sondhi puja, as I stood before Mother, I did not have anything to ask for. She had given me life to enjoy another Durga Puja festival even without asking for it! She protects me from all harm, what is the puny- me going to ask for? I felt small, foolish and vulnerable. I always used to have a list of things that I needed to pray for. For the first time I was acutely conscious of the fact that I was so disastrously ignorant that I did not even know what I “needed” to pray for.
It is a direct hot line connection from point A to point B between Almighty and me and no matter how much I tried or my loved ones tried, there is no way that point C can get linked. The realization is overwhelming. As I dialed the toll free number and connected with the Supreme Power, there was little else I could do but surrender in utter awe. Surprisingly, as I surrendered, I felt the warmth of security and love. It reassured me.
Durga Pujo is a five day festival beginning on sasthi (6th day) to dashami (10th day) of the Navratras. The most auspicious time is the “Sondhi Pujo” which is the union between asthami (8th day) and navami (9th day). The duration of this puja is short and extremely special. The story goes that this is the time that the Goddess killed Ashur, the devil who was tormenting the Gods. One also believes that this is the auspicious time that Ma Durga blessed Ram before he went to fight the battle at Lanka. It is a powerful moment of victory; in fact it is an invocation of shakti (power).
During this puja, the Goddess is worshipped with 108 lotuses and 108 little lamps. The pujari chants a very special vedic mantra as he performs the ritual. The chant, the lamps, the lotuses, and the solemnity of the devotees make the very air emanate incredible energy and the moment is surreal and sublime.
I looked up at the Goddess, the Mother, at this sublime moment with my hands folded in respect. Her face (I felt) was radiant and alive. I stared at Her without a single prayer in my heart!!! I dialed the toll free number and connected with Her. It struck me that at this moment last year, I had prayed that She takes care of my family and loved ones, blesses them and makes them happy. Little did I know what was to happen to me…such things only happened to others, never ever to me!!!
At that moment of sondhi puja, as I stood before Mother, I did not have anything to ask for. She had given me life to enjoy another Durga Puja festival even without asking for it! She protects me from all harm, what is the puny- me going to ask for? I felt small, foolish and vulnerable. I always used to have a list of things that I needed to pray for. For the first time I was acutely conscious of the fact that I was so disastrously ignorant that I did not even know what I “needed” to pray for.
It is a direct hot line connection from point A to point B between Almighty and me and no matter how much I tried or my loved ones tried, there is no way that point C can get linked. The realization is overwhelming. As I dialed the toll free number and connected with the Supreme Power, there was little else I could do but surrender in utter awe. Surprisingly, as I surrendered, I felt the warmth of security and love. It reassured me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
A LOVE AFFAIR WITH APOLLO’S SISTER!!
That is Artemis…she was Apollo’s sister. Being “gay” is “in” and I have a love affair going with her. I am talking about the hospital “Artemis” in Gurgaon.
When I was first referred to Dr Siddharth Sahni, an onco-surgeon, I walked into the Artemis Hospital because I had no choice. I was in pursuit of Dr Sahni. That was the beginning of my affair with Artemis.
I was there everyday and every where. I romanced with her in the OPD rooms, Phlebotomy, Ultra Sound, Mammography rooms. I was in her basement, in the PET scan chamber, in the IPD rooms. The OTs, the Chemo Therapy Centre, The Radiation Therapy chambers, the ICU floors, the various desks, and the toilets at every corner….I know them all, have seen them all in their best and their unkempt states. I bared my body to her and she hid nothing from me!
Our familiarity and love blossomed. I know most of the members of her family …the terrific doctors, the wonderful male and female nurses, the young technicians in every room and the various other staff members. Artemis, too, greets Pradipta as a dear family member.
Every day that I trudge or glide into Artemis, I receive a big welcome smile from everyone that I encounter. The gateman sings “Good Morning Madam” with such exuberance that I feel that, that is the one magical morning that I have been waiting for all my life! The young boys and girls at the desks wear big smiles and never fail to enquire how one is feeling. The nurses wave and smile with twinkling eyes as if to say, “Yippee, let’s have fun!!” And finally when I meet the doctor, he/she has a huge grin to say, “Hey, what is your worry? I am here!!” Try as he might, to be grouchy and sad and morbid, even the skeleton with the cross bow at his mouth would be unable to resist a smile!!!
I was instilled with a phobia that big hospitals fleece you mercilessly till you drop down penniless. I haven’t felt that way at Artemis so far…but after all, we have been lovers for only the last nine months. Do you remember my precious Herceptin that I need to take once every three weeks? Well it comes in 400 mgs packs and I need only 350mgs of it. The chemo therapy centre stashes away the remaining bit of the drug with my name on it so that I can use it during my following chemo session. Pradipta and I danced a jig when we paid zilch during my last session. The left-over drug had accumulated to meet my required dosage!! You do understand why I wanted to give a long passionate kiss to sweet Artemis?
Her culinary skills are pretty pathetic, but other than that my Artemis is young, beautiful, efficient, loving and always holds my hand as is her motto. Commitment is boring and passé. Hence I am convinced that we should not be together for too long. Yet, considering the circumstances, I am glad to have met her, to be with her. God bless dear Artemis!!
When I was first referred to Dr Siddharth Sahni, an onco-surgeon, I walked into the Artemis Hospital because I had no choice. I was in pursuit of Dr Sahni. That was the beginning of my affair with Artemis.
I was there everyday and every where. I romanced with her in the OPD rooms, Phlebotomy, Ultra Sound, Mammography rooms. I was in her basement, in the PET scan chamber, in the IPD rooms. The OTs, the Chemo Therapy Centre, The Radiation Therapy chambers, the ICU floors, the various desks, and the toilets at every corner….I know them all, have seen them all in their best and their unkempt states. I bared my body to her and she hid nothing from me!
Our familiarity and love blossomed. I know most of the members of her family …the terrific doctors, the wonderful male and female nurses, the young technicians in every room and the various other staff members. Artemis, too, greets Pradipta as a dear family member.
Every day that I trudge or glide into Artemis, I receive a big welcome smile from everyone that I encounter. The gateman sings “Good Morning Madam” with such exuberance that I feel that, that is the one magical morning that I have been waiting for all my life! The young boys and girls at the desks wear big smiles and never fail to enquire how one is feeling. The nurses wave and smile with twinkling eyes as if to say, “Yippee, let’s have fun!!” And finally when I meet the doctor, he/she has a huge grin to say, “Hey, what is your worry? I am here!!” Try as he might, to be grouchy and sad and morbid, even the skeleton with the cross bow at his mouth would be unable to resist a smile!!!
I was instilled with a phobia that big hospitals fleece you mercilessly till you drop down penniless. I haven’t felt that way at Artemis so far…but after all, we have been lovers for only the last nine months. Do you remember my precious Herceptin that I need to take once every three weeks? Well it comes in 400 mgs packs and I need only 350mgs of it. The chemo therapy centre stashes away the remaining bit of the drug with my name on it so that I can use it during my following chemo session. Pradipta and I danced a jig when we paid zilch during my last session. The left-over drug had accumulated to meet my required dosage!! You do understand why I wanted to give a long passionate kiss to sweet Artemis?
Her culinary skills are pretty pathetic, but other than that my Artemis is young, beautiful, efficient, loving and always holds my hand as is her motto. Commitment is boring and passé. Hence I am convinced that we should not be together for too long. Yet, considering the circumstances, I am glad to have met her, to be with her. God bless dear Artemis!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
FLOATING ON CLOUDS FOUR!!
I don’t have nine clouds to float on. I only have four brilliant ones to lean upon and float over emotional hills and dales, over chasms and meadows. My four brilliant doctors have been helping me float.
When I first encountered each of my doctors, I was terrified. Dr. Siddharth Sahni, the young onco-surgeon had had the unenviable task of telling me that I had cancer. I could have killed him then….I wanted to tell him that he was insane. Pradipta and I felt that we were getting buried alive in a tunnel. Dr. Sahni talked to us, guided me through the various tests, revealed the exciting contents of the Pandora’s Box and helped me to accept the dreaded “C” disease. He operated on me, was with Pradipta every time that he could get out of the OT and was like a dear family member who stood by us all the way.
Six weeks after the surgery, I graduated (not floated) to the second level of treatment. Dr. R. Ranga Rao is the onco-medicine genius. After having been pampered by Dr. Sahni, I dreaded meeting any other doctor. But soon after the first meeting, Dr. Rao erased away my fear. He is such a thorough professional, yet so gentle! His positivity is infectious and it makes me believe that things just cannot go wrong! I have shared my stupidest worries with him and have only received serious, genuine answers to them. He gives the most brilliant medicines to sort the various problems which crop up along the tortuous path of chemo therapy. I told him so one day. He smiled awkwardly and simply said, “Thank You.”
I survived (not floated) through 4 months of aggressive chemo therapy. I began on radio therapy treatment under Dr. Subodh Pandey. I was petrified when I first saw the gigantic machine. But Dr. Pandey and his terrific team helped me through. I was on the dreaded machine for 31 days. Dr. Pandey gently fore warned me of difficulties and advised me on how to tackle them. I trudged (not floated) through the treatment.
Dr. Ruchika Khetarpal is my beautiful cloud. She takes care of the chemo therapy centre. It amazes me how she smiles so caringly when all she sees is discomfort in the chemo room. Her warmth fills the room and she always has something special to say to every patient.
My clouds are brilliant on the inside and dashingly good looking on the outside. All four of them would put a lot of ramp models to shame!!! Ahem!!! :-))
I labored through each phase of the treatment, but 3 weeks after the treatment, as I look back today, I feel as if I am floating on my clouds.
Doctors are not God, and I know not what lies ahead of me. For the moment as I float happily on my clouds, I can only say the two little inadequate words “Thank You!”
When I first encountered each of my doctors, I was terrified. Dr. Siddharth Sahni, the young onco-surgeon had had the unenviable task of telling me that I had cancer. I could have killed him then….I wanted to tell him that he was insane. Pradipta and I felt that we were getting buried alive in a tunnel. Dr. Sahni talked to us, guided me through the various tests, revealed the exciting contents of the Pandora’s Box and helped me to accept the dreaded “C” disease. He operated on me, was with Pradipta every time that he could get out of the OT and was like a dear family member who stood by us all the way.
Six weeks after the surgery, I graduated (not floated) to the second level of treatment. Dr. R. Ranga Rao is the onco-medicine genius. After having been pampered by Dr. Sahni, I dreaded meeting any other doctor. But soon after the first meeting, Dr. Rao erased away my fear. He is such a thorough professional, yet so gentle! His positivity is infectious and it makes me believe that things just cannot go wrong! I have shared my stupidest worries with him and have only received serious, genuine answers to them. He gives the most brilliant medicines to sort the various problems which crop up along the tortuous path of chemo therapy. I told him so one day. He smiled awkwardly and simply said, “Thank You.”
I survived (not floated) through 4 months of aggressive chemo therapy. I began on radio therapy treatment under Dr. Subodh Pandey. I was petrified when I first saw the gigantic machine. But Dr. Pandey and his terrific team helped me through. I was on the dreaded machine for 31 days. Dr. Pandey gently fore warned me of difficulties and advised me on how to tackle them. I trudged (not floated) through the treatment.
Dr. Ruchika Khetarpal is my beautiful cloud. She takes care of the chemo therapy centre. It amazes me how she smiles so caringly when all she sees is discomfort in the chemo room. Her warmth fills the room and she always has something special to say to every patient.
My clouds are brilliant on the inside and dashingly good looking on the outside. All four of them would put a lot of ramp models to shame!!! Ahem!!! :-))
I labored through each phase of the treatment, but 3 weeks after the treatment, as I look back today, I feel as if I am floating on my clouds.
Doctors are not God, and I know not what lies ahead of me. For the moment as I float happily on my clouds, I can only say the two little inadequate words “Thank You!”
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
BETCHA ‘TIS HAIR RAISING!! :-))
Poor you! You do not notice exciting things like I do!! I have inculcated this wondrous habit of noticing precious things like “hair”!!! Now, now!! There is no need to turn up your nose.
I see beautiful straight hair, sexy curly hair, elegant wavy hair, exciting frizzy hair, long hair, short hair, manageable hair, unmanageable hair, plaited hair, coiled hair, clipped hair, bobbed hair, cropped hair, styled hair, unkempt hair, coloured hair, streaked hair, salt and pepper hair, grey hair…..exhausting, but it is all about wearing or not wearing hair!!!
Instead of gazing at all the beautiful things around me, I have been gazing longingly at “hair” if you please! I am almost an authority on hair now, and have enough research jotted in my mind to write a voluminous book titled “THE LONG AND SHORT OF HAIR”!
Beauty parlors at every turn of the road beckon us. Thick eyebrows are so unacceptable, and need to be threaded to the perfect arc. If a miniscule strand of hair on the upper lip or the chin is spotted, it is imperative to uproot it. Little strands of body hair? Oh, how disgusting! For Heaven’s sake, rush to get them waxed!! When women have facial hair, it is unelegant. When men have facial hair, it is macho.
We are almost never happy with our lot. When women have straight hair, they wish for a curly top and labor tirelessly to achieve it. On the other hand those with a curly nest get their hair ironed and whatever else to straighten it. Men who want to make a style statement sport long hair. While another lot of the same sex thinks that, that looks unkempt and dirty. They much prefer the close cropped clean George Clooney look.
Samson lost his strength when Delilah chopped off his hair. When Eve was seducing Adam, she fluttered her eyelashes and flicked her curls and thus taught women the art of seducing. Men often pat their mops when they want to impress the she-devil. As I gaze around me, I realize that hair talks. It speaks volumes about a person’s psyche.
Just be careful with your hair, you poor dear souls!! Remember it talks!! You worry for me? No, there is absolutely no need just yet. You see, I have miniscule eyelashes struggling to sprout out, thin eyebrows coyly revealing themselves and a salt and pepper fungus gently covering my pate which cannot even whisper. Steeped in this hair raising insight I am still patiently waiting for a vociferous growth!! I promise to keep you posted as soon as it twitters!! :-)))
I see beautiful straight hair, sexy curly hair, elegant wavy hair, exciting frizzy hair, long hair, short hair, manageable hair, unmanageable hair, plaited hair, coiled hair, clipped hair, bobbed hair, cropped hair, styled hair, unkempt hair, coloured hair, streaked hair, salt and pepper hair, grey hair…..exhausting, but it is all about wearing or not wearing hair!!!
Instead of gazing at all the beautiful things around me, I have been gazing longingly at “hair” if you please! I am almost an authority on hair now, and have enough research jotted in my mind to write a voluminous book titled “THE LONG AND SHORT OF HAIR”!
Beauty parlors at every turn of the road beckon us. Thick eyebrows are so unacceptable, and need to be threaded to the perfect arc. If a miniscule strand of hair on the upper lip or the chin is spotted, it is imperative to uproot it. Little strands of body hair? Oh, how disgusting! For Heaven’s sake, rush to get them waxed!! When women have facial hair, it is unelegant. When men have facial hair, it is macho.
We are almost never happy with our lot. When women have straight hair, they wish for a curly top and labor tirelessly to achieve it. On the other hand those with a curly nest get their hair ironed and whatever else to straighten it. Men who want to make a style statement sport long hair. While another lot of the same sex thinks that, that looks unkempt and dirty. They much prefer the close cropped clean George Clooney look.
Samson lost his strength when Delilah chopped off his hair. When Eve was seducing Adam, she fluttered her eyelashes and flicked her curls and thus taught women the art of seducing. Men often pat their mops when they want to impress the she-devil. As I gaze around me, I realize that hair talks. It speaks volumes about a person’s psyche.
Just be careful with your hair, you poor dear souls!! Remember it talks!! You worry for me? No, there is absolutely no need just yet. You see, I have miniscule eyelashes struggling to sprout out, thin eyebrows coyly revealing themselves and a salt and pepper fungus gently covering my pate which cannot even whisper. Steeped in this hair raising insight I am still patiently waiting for a vociferous growth!! I promise to keep you posted as soon as it twitters!! :-)))
Friday, September 17, 2010
GIGGLING DOWN MEMORY LANE!! :-)))
How foolishly we giggled away!! That was my first afternoon out with my school friends after embracing my new found freedom. Dodging various hurdles and stuffing commitments in garbage bags, Ritu, Nisha, Nita and I met up at the mall for a meal together.
After the initial debate of where we should eat and what we should eat, we settled down. Ritu and I dream of mannequin like figures but refuse to cut down on eating…so that is easy! Nisha binges on special days but Nita is "self discipline" personified!! She only wanted “tomato shorba” lest her hour glass figure gathered an inch!!!
We gorged, suffered from profuse verbal diarrhea, minced each other up and giggled …till we realized that our responsibilities were frantically beckoning us.
The following evening was equally thrilling. Jashodhara, Reena and I were 19 year olds once more. Just a fortnight back Jasho and I had reconnected with our dear friend Reena from college on Facebook. The excitement was spilling out and it was imperative that we meet. Both of them came by to my house and time stood still! With “google eyes”, grins glued to our ears, we hugged one another in ecstasy! Soon there was a talkathon in process…statements, questions, exclamations whizzing around the room, often colliding with one another. “Do you remember…?” “Of course you did, silly”!, “Oh dear, no!!”…we skidded down memory lane, laughed at our insane escapades, and fondly remembered other dear friends and our wonderful professors. Updating one another on our present families was purely incidental. There was one thing that was certain. We were definitely going to make up for lost time!
At night I dug out my old photo album and gently turned the wrinkled pages. There we were, with silly expressions, posing together as if we were beauty queens! How little we cared for the world, how little we knew about its complexities. Yet we thought we knew it all, in fact had conquered it all!
28 years later, we have evolved. Life has happened to each of us and we are what we are. It is only a few fortunate beings who can transcendent time and giggle foolishly once again. I have begun collecting such moments greedily. They make me richer than the Kohinoor diamond would.
After the initial debate of where we should eat and what we should eat, we settled down. Ritu and I dream of mannequin like figures but refuse to cut down on eating…so that is easy! Nisha binges on special days but Nita is "self discipline" personified!! She only wanted “tomato shorba” lest her hour glass figure gathered an inch!!!
We gorged, suffered from profuse verbal diarrhea, minced each other up and giggled …till we realized that our responsibilities were frantically beckoning us.
The following evening was equally thrilling. Jashodhara, Reena and I were 19 year olds once more. Just a fortnight back Jasho and I had reconnected with our dear friend Reena from college on Facebook. The excitement was spilling out and it was imperative that we meet. Both of them came by to my house and time stood still! With “google eyes”, grins glued to our ears, we hugged one another in ecstasy! Soon there was a talkathon in process…statements, questions, exclamations whizzing around the room, often colliding with one another. “Do you remember…?” “Of course you did, silly”!, “Oh dear, no!!”…we skidded down memory lane, laughed at our insane escapades, and fondly remembered other dear friends and our wonderful professors. Updating one another on our present families was purely incidental. There was one thing that was certain. We were definitely going to make up for lost time!
At night I dug out my old photo album and gently turned the wrinkled pages. There we were, with silly expressions, posing together as if we were beauty queens! How little we cared for the world, how little we knew about its complexities. Yet we thought we knew it all, in fact had conquered it all!
28 years later, we have evolved. Life has happened to each of us and we are what we are. It is only a few fortunate beings who can transcendent time and giggle foolishly once again. I have begun collecting such moments greedily. They make me richer than the Kohinoor diamond would.
Monday, September 6, 2010
FREEDOM AT MIDNIGHT!!
It was 7 minutes past midnight when my cell phone beeped. I received the first birthday message from my former student, Sanya. I managed to open my heavy eyes. My limbs paralyzed by deep sleep, did not move, but my mind did. I thought, “Yipee! My birthday, and the day of FREEDOM from restrictions!!” and I sank back in slumber.
When I was a child, my mum would complain that I had far too many friends than was manageable. That is something that my Creator has blessed me with. As I said before, I have innumerable angels (my friends and family) all around me. The birthday messages started beeping and ringing in since the wee hours. I was not feeling too well that morning…a side effect of radiation. The energy generated by my loved ones gave me the strength to get ready for another day’s therapy.
I wanted to do all the things I had not done for four months. My mind shouted, “Hurrah! Let’s do it!!” but my body groaned, “Sorry, just cannot…too exhausted!” Normally I hate surprise gifts from my family, but as I returned from therapy there was a beautiful bouquet of tube roses waiting for me from my friends and a lovely gift from Madhu. Of course I was thrilled, but I still hadn’t done anything to mark my day of freedom.
Pradipta returned home from work with a gorgeous bouquet of colorful carnations, and Diya with a chocolate cake. All three of them (Pradipta, Diya and Tisham) insisted that we go out for dinner to mark my liberation day. I had neither eaten cake nor dressed up and certainly not gone for dinner in the last four months!! I wore the chic pair of denims that Tisham had given me, dashed the Armani perfume that Pradipta had bought for me, fixed my wig on my glossy pate and was ready in a jiffy. :)
Despite the incessant rain we went out for a sumptuous Chinese dinner. Unfortunately I had difficulty in swallowing the food as my oesophagus was sore due to radiation. My meal was restricted to bland, white Chinese dishes. Nevertheless, I ate as heartily and hungrily as the rest of the family. My excitement was that of a 4 year old or a 9 year old…certainly not of someone who had turned 49!! :))
I cut the delicious chocolate cake at night and we savored every morsel of it. Simba expressed his glee by barking loudly enough to awaken the neighborhood! After satiating my sulking stomach and satisfying my hungry mind, I bade adieu to the magical evening. From one mid night till the other, I had celebrated my birthday and my liberation. But above all, I had celebrated the joy of being alive in this world amidst my family and friends who held my hand!
When I was a child, my mum would complain that I had far too many friends than was manageable. That is something that my Creator has blessed me with. As I said before, I have innumerable angels (my friends and family) all around me. The birthday messages started beeping and ringing in since the wee hours. I was not feeling too well that morning…a side effect of radiation. The energy generated by my loved ones gave me the strength to get ready for another day’s therapy.
I wanted to do all the things I had not done for four months. My mind shouted, “Hurrah! Let’s do it!!” but my body groaned, “Sorry, just cannot…too exhausted!” Normally I hate surprise gifts from my family, but as I returned from therapy there was a beautiful bouquet of tube roses waiting for me from my friends and a lovely gift from Madhu. Of course I was thrilled, but I still hadn’t done anything to mark my day of freedom.
Pradipta returned home from work with a gorgeous bouquet of colorful carnations, and Diya with a chocolate cake. All three of them (Pradipta, Diya and Tisham) insisted that we go out for dinner to mark my liberation day. I had neither eaten cake nor dressed up and certainly not gone for dinner in the last four months!! I wore the chic pair of denims that Tisham had given me, dashed the Armani perfume that Pradipta had bought for me, fixed my wig on my glossy pate and was ready in a jiffy. :)
Despite the incessant rain we went out for a sumptuous Chinese dinner. Unfortunately I had difficulty in swallowing the food as my oesophagus was sore due to radiation. My meal was restricted to bland, white Chinese dishes. Nevertheless, I ate as heartily and hungrily as the rest of the family. My excitement was that of a 4 year old or a 9 year old…certainly not of someone who had turned 49!! :))
I cut the delicious chocolate cake at night and we savored every morsel of it. Simba expressed his glee by barking loudly enough to awaken the neighborhood! After satiating my sulking stomach and satisfying my hungry mind, I bade adieu to the magical evening. From one mid night till the other, I had celebrated my birthday and my liberation. But above all, I had celebrated the joy of being alive in this world amidst my family and friends who held my hand!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
KISSA KURSI KA
It is all about the chair that you sit on…your position of power. How difficult it is to come down from the throne just when you get used to being treated like the Queen of Sheeba! Hélas! That is what is about to happen to me!
After undergoing the surgery in March, the second round of treatment, the chemo therapy began on the 29th of April and was scheduled at a gap of every 2 weeks. I went through 8 rounds and the last chemo therapy was on the 5th of August. It was 3 and ½ months of sheer hell and endless side effects. In fact, initially I would have a bad week and then a good week, but in the latter 4 rounds there wasn’t a single day that I felt totally well before I went in for chemo. My plight was so pitiful!
While Tisham was still in Singapore during my very first round of chemo, he sent me a beautiful message which I saved up. This is what he wrote to me, “Ma, you should sit back and let yourself be pampered for the next 4 months! Love you!” That is precisely what my family did to me…Pradipta, Tisham and Diya spoilt me rotten. Every single restriction imposed by the doctor was adhered to unstintingly. I was the Queen of Sheeba!:)
My meals were either cooked by Pradipta or by Tisham just minutes before I ate to ensure its freshness. Tisham, who has inherited his passion and enthusiasm for cooking from his grandfather and his father, would bake chocolate cakes and puddings. Dr. Rao had prescribed a high calorie, high sugar diet. Hence I lived on kheer, stewed apples and pears and sooji halwa replete with nuts and raisins…all specially prepared by the two important men in my life. Ice creams were bought for me every second day as that had become my primary food. Diya bought the most exciting flavors of ice cream like the water melon flavor and honey cinnamon flavor. I was steadily and surely gaining weight to throw around!
For some chemical reason, soon after the chemo, I would invariably spend the entire Saturday and Sunday weeping. Pradipta insisted that my drug “Taxol” had psychedelic effects which made me so crabby. I would have a stream of tears flowing down incessantly…and of course that was misery sans reason! Tisham decided that I needed to distract myself. He made me watch mushy romantic films or various episodes of “Frasier”, which normally had me giggling.
I was in the limelight, held the centre stage of the family. Yet, little did I appreciate my “position of power” at that time. Friday, the 3rd of September is my birthday. On that day, all restrictions that had been imposed for chemo therapy would be removed. I would be FREE, FREE and FREE….at least for the time being. I am waiting for the day with baited breath.
However Tisham points out the flip side. He says that, that day onwards I would be reduced to a riffraff, a common mortal, ousted from my glorious throne…to go out shopping, watch movies, plays, and eat at restaurants just like you all.
Which would I prefer? Good Heavens, what a question to ask! :))
After undergoing the surgery in March, the second round of treatment, the chemo therapy began on the 29th of April and was scheduled at a gap of every 2 weeks. I went through 8 rounds and the last chemo therapy was on the 5th of August. It was 3 and ½ months of sheer hell and endless side effects. In fact, initially I would have a bad week and then a good week, but in the latter 4 rounds there wasn’t a single day that I felt totally well before I went in for chemo. My plight was so pitiful!
While Tisham was still in Singapore during my very first round of chemo, he sent me a beautiful message which I saved up. This is what he wrote to me, “Ma, you should sit back and let yourself be pampered for the next 4 months! Love you!” That is precisely what my family did to me…Pradipta, Tisham and Diya spoilt me rotten. Every single restriction imposed by the doctor was adhered to unstintingly. I was the Queen of Sheeba!:)
My meals were either cooked by Pradipta or by Tisham just minutes before I ate to ensure its freshness. Tisham, who has inherited his passion and enthusiasm for cooking from his grandfather and his father, would bake chocolate cakes and puddings. Dr. Rao had prescribed a high calorie, high sugar diet. Hence I lived on kheer, stewed apples and pears and sooji halwa replete with nuts and raisins…all specially prepared by the two important men in my life. Ice creams were bought for me every second day as that had become my primary food. Diya bought the most exciting flavors of ice cream like the water melon flavor and honey cinnamon flavor. I was steadily and surely gaining weight to throw around!
For some chemical reason, soon after the chemo, I would invariably spend the entire Saturday and Sunday weeping. Pradipta insisted that my drug “Taxol” had psychedelic effects which made me so crabby. I would have a stream of tears flowing down incessantly…and of course that was misery sans reason! Tisham decided that I needed to distract myself. He made me watch mushy romantic films or various episodes of “Frasier”, which normally had me giggling.
I was in the limelight, held the centre stage of the family. Yet, little did I appreciate my “position of power” at that time. Friday, the 3rd of September is my birthday. On that day, all restrictions that had been imposed for chemo therapy would be removed. I would be FREE, FREE and FREE….at least for the time being. I am waiting for the day with baited breath.
However Tisham points out the flip side. He says that, that day onwards I would be reduced to a riffraff, a common mortal, ousted from my glorious throne…to go out shopping, watch movies, plays, and eat at restaurants just like you all.
Which would I prefer? Good Heavens, what a question to ask! :))
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A NEW FORM OF ART!
I read about a French form of art called the “Marouflage” in the Delhi Times of Friday, 20th August. I read that horses play a prominent role in this form of art. Though my knowledge of art is rather limited, I am not a complete philistine. I am quite capable of appreciating a beautiful Cave Painting of early man as well as a fine Islamic or Renaissance painting.
Although I am not a connoisseur of contemporary art, I realize that “tattoos” and “nail art” are the hot favorites among many today. The thought of tattoos scares me because of the pain involved in such an art form. I much prefer to see the colorful nail art. But my special form of art is the “chemo art”.
You wonder what “chemo art” is? It is something specially reserved for the Gods’ chosen few! Now, now, now! Do not be jealous! Let me tell you about it. After the first couple of rounds of chemo therapy, I noticed that my finger nails were becoming dark, almost brownish. I asked Dr Ranga Rao about it. He gave me a knowing smile and said that it was a side effect of the chemo drugs. Now that I have completed all 8 rounds of chemo therapy, let me assure you, my nails look utterly stunning!! :)
My toe nails are polka dotted with small black spots and not half as exotic as my finger nails! The finger nails have beautiful white horizontal lines and look perfectly striped!! The two thumb nails are gorgeous and maroon with pretty white streaks. I exhibited the 20 exotic nails to Dr. Rao. He consoled me and said, “Don’t you worry, they will all get back to normal in 6 weeks time!”
I thought to myself, “Me worried? Goodness gracious, no! I am not worried!” As for you, you better not think, “Poor her!” of me either! Let me assure you, I am infinitely proud of my pretty nails and vouch to flaunt them as long as they last. Move over nail art, my “chemo art” nails are enviable!! :-))
Although I am not a connoisseur of contemporary art, I realize that “tattoos” and “nail art” are the hot favorites among many today. The thought of tattoos scares me because of the pain involved in such an art form. I much prefer to see the colorful nail art. But my special form of art is the “chemo art”.
You wonder what “chemo art” is? It is something specially reserved for the Gods’ chosen few! Now, now, now! Do not be jealous! Let me tell you about it. After the first couple of rounds of chemo therapy, I noticed that my finger nails were becoming dark, almost brownish. I asked Dr Ranga Rao about it. He gave me a knowing smile and said that it was a side effect of the chemo drugs. Now that I have completed all 8 rounds of chemo therapy, let me assure you, my nails look utterly stunning!! :)
My toe nails are polka dotted with small black spots and not half as exotic as my finger nails! The finger nails have beautiful white horizontal lines and look perfectly striped!! The two thumb nails are gorgeous and maroon with pretty white streaks. I exhibited the 20 exotic nails to Dr. Rao. He consoled me and said, “Don’t you worry, they will all get back to normal in 6 weeks time!”
I thought to myself, “Me worried? Goodness gracious, no! I am not worried!” As for you, you better not think, “Poor her!” of me either! Let me assure you, I am infinitely proud of my pretty nails and vouch to flaunt them as long as they last. Move over nail art, my “chemo art” nails are enviable!! :-))
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
LIKE COMMON COLD?
They say it is a “State of the art” machine but it scares me like hell! It is absolutely enormous and it rotates around my head like a jumbo giant wheel. It makes my bald head spin on its axis when I look at it. This is the machine that treats me for radiation therapy.
I finished eight rounds of chemo therapy and began on the next round of treatment …the radiation therapy. I am made to lay down in a semi dark room, on a cold platform with a metallic frame…not the most comfortable bed to lie on! An immobilizing cast made of thermo plastic is then placed on my naked body and then screwed on to the platform to keep me in place. Only then the treatment begins.
I need 31 sittings of this therapy and it takes only 20 minutes on the machine. Hence the ordeal does not last for too long. On the first day, the expert technician asked me which slot I preferred for each day. I would really have liked a slot around 11AM but unfortunately, that was not available. What a pity!
“Do take a look at the white board, Ma’am;” said the technician, “only 10AM is available.” I decided that the time was not convenient for me at all, and informed him that, in that case I would prefer a slot in the afternoon. “None other is available, Ma’am,” he insisted. I wondered disbelievingly, how that was possible and walked into the Control Room to take a look at the schedule.
What I saw was unbelievable! There was, on a huge white board, a schedule of 22 patients beginning at 8:00 in the morning. Quite truly, one single slot of 10AM was waiting to be filled up! I was aghast. So many patients on a single day in a single hospital needed radiation therapy?! Good Heavens, it is the dreaded “C” disease that requires this treatment, not just common cold! Is cancer becoming as common as that? I hope not.
I hope everybody on this planet can join hands to fight it.
I finished eight rounds of chemo therapy and began on the next round of treatment …the radiation therapy. I am made to lay down in a semi dark room, on a cold platform with a metallic frame…not the most comfortable bed to lie on! An immobilizing cast made of thermo plastic is then placed on my naked body and then screwed on to the platform to keep me in place. Only then the treatment begins.
I need 31 sittings of this therapy and it takes only 20 minutes on the machine. Hence the ordeal does not last for too long. On the first day, the expert technician asked me which slot I preferred for each day. I would really have liked a slot around 11AM but unfortunately, that was not available. What a pity!
“Do take a look at the white board, Ma’am;” said the technician, “only 10AM is available.” I decided that the time was not convenient for me at all, and informed him that, in that case I would prefer a slot in the afternoon. “None other is available, Ma’am,” he insisted. I wondered disbelievingly, how that was possible and walked into the Control Room to take a look at the schedule.
What I saw was unbelievable! There was, on a huge white board, a schedule of 22 patients beginning at 8:00 in the morning. Quite truly, one single slot of 10AM was waiting to be filled up! I was aghast. So many patients on a single day in a single hospital needed radiation therapy?! Good Heavens, it is the dreaded “C” disease that requires this treatment, not just common cold! Is cancer becoming as common as that? I hope not.
I hope everybody on this planet can join hands to fight it.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
NO WAGS FOR THE WIG!! :((
I almost look like Mona Lisa nowadays! Of course I don’t have the enigmatic smile! I cannot even fake that smile. I can either smile from ear to ear or I can laugh.
Other than that, I am quite like Mona Lisa. My eyebrows are almost non existent…may be about 15 strands on one side and 20 on the other. In fact, let me tell you a secret…I can count my eyelashes and the fine hair inside my nostrils has completely gone! Hence every time I practice yoga, my nostrils stick to the nose till I blow them out!!
I have been tying various bandanas on my bald head for months now and I thought that I would go in for a more fashionable look. I decided to place an order for a wig. Though not as fancy as a multi colored one or anything as exotic as that, mine is a nice dark haired thing! I tried and retried it at the wig makers’ shop and returned home wearing it rather shyly. I thought I looked fairly chic in it. But who cares about what I thought? Simba did not agree with me at all! He jumped up and down to sniff the wig and growled. “Stop behaving like an idiot, Simba and don’t spoil the wig!” I growled back.
Silly smart Simba smelt the wig and knew that it was not “me”. He did not like me to wear it. He growled and growled incessantly till I pulled it off my head in utter disgust. I thought that I would look pretty with the wig, but obviously Simba’s definition of “pretty” is enormously different from mine. He much prefers his bald mama, smelling of her usual self rather than of some unfamiliar beauty!
So what if Pradipta, Diya and Tisham feel that I look good with the wig on, Simba barks to differ. The precious head piece is carefully stashed away in the wardrobe waiting for a special occasion when I shall place it on my perfect egg. It may begin to smell of me by then and Simba may approve of it….who knows. I must wait and see!
Other than that, I am quite like Mona Lisa. My eyebrows are almost non existent…may be about 15 strands on one side and 20 on the other. In fact, let me tell you a secret…I can count my eyelashes and the fine hair inside my nostrils has completely gone! Hence every time I practice yoga, my nostrils stick to the nose till I blow them out!!
I have been tying various bandanas on my bald head for months now and I thought that I would go in for a more fashionable look. I decided to place an order for a wig. Though not as fancy as a multi colored one or anything as exotic as that, mine is a nice dark haired thing! I tried and retried it at the wig makers’ shop and returned home wearing it rather shyly. I thought I looked fairly chic in it. But who cares about what I thought? Simba did not agree with me at all! He jumped up and down to sniff the wig and growled. “Stop behaving like an idiot, Simba and don’t spoil the wig!” I growled back.
Silly smart Simba smelt the wig and knew that it was not “me”. He did not like me to wear it. He growled and growled incessantly till I pulled it off my head in utter disgust. I thought that I would look pretty with the wig, but obviously Simba’s definition of “pretty” is enormously different from mine. He much prefers his bald mama, smelling of her usual self rather than of some unfamiliar beauty!
So what if Pradipta, Diya and Tisham feel that I look good with the wig on, Simba barks to differ. The precious head piece is carefully stashed away in the wardrobe waiting for a special occasion when I shall place it on my perfect egg. It may begin to smell of me by then and Simba may approve of it….who knows. I must wait and see!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
NECTAR OF THE BLUE LOTUS
What do you think would be the price of nectar of the blue lotus? My medicine Herceptin is the nectar of the blue lotus. Of course I am exaggerating a wee bit.
It was a jumbo chemo therapy that I went through on Thursday, 5th of August! The Taxol took 3 hours and Herceptin 1 hour. To add to this there was a pre medication of 30 minutes and a post medication of another 30 minutes… 5 hours!!! By the time the ordeal ended, I was six feet underground.
But that is a different story. Let me not digress.
Herceptin has no visible side effect, or at least I have not felt any as yet. But I am told that it effects the pumping of the heart. It is for this reason that I need to undergo an Echo Cardiogram every 3 months. My vodka plays mysterious tricks on me but the nectar of the blue lotus makes my heart bleed!
Herceptin is a drug made and distributed by an American biotechnology company called GENENTECH and it costs a fortune! Before I tell you any more about my bleeding heart, you must read what I read in the internet. I have only copied and condensed the relevant portions.
Trastuzumab
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
“Trastuzumab (INN; trade name Herceptin) Trastuzumab is an antibody that binds selectively to the HER2 protein. This increases the survival of people with cancer.
The original studies of trastuzumab showed that it improved survival in late-stage (metastatic) breast cancer, but there is controversy over whether trastuzumab is effective in earlier stage breast cancer. Trastuzumab is also controversial because of its cost, as much as $100,000 per year
One of the significant complications of trastuzumab is its effect on the heart. Trastuzumab is associated with cardiac dysfunction in 2-7% of cases. As a result, regular cardiac screening with either a MUGA scan or echocardiography is commonly undertaken during the trastuzumab treatment period.
The risk of cardiomyopathy is increased when trastuzumab is combined with anthracycline chemotherapy (which itself is associated with cardiac toxicity).
Few reporters have questioned the pricing of this drug but when asked, Genentech refuses to give details to explain the high costs.”
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trastuzumab
I heard what you just thought, “Of course, her heart would bleed!! Poor thing!!” You are so right!
The drug that I so desperately need to make me stay alive (not kicking, mind you!) is controversial not only because nobody knows at what stage of cancer it is effective, but also because it is so criminally expensive! Every time that I need to take an intravenous injection of Herceptin, it costs us anything between INR 1lakh, 18 thousand to INR 1 lakh, 25 thousand depending on the exchange rate for that day!! That is not even taking into account the usual hospital charges. Isn’t that preposterous?
Now, hold your breath! The High Maintenance Me needs 18 such Herceptin injections. I know that you would not dare to calculate, but would you send a word to God to remind Him that Pradipta and Sarbari Sen are just upper middle class average Indians who work hard to earn their bread and butter? Would you?
Do read the last 4 lines of my research, even if you did not feel like reading the rest of it. The delicious nectar causes a “risk of cardiac dysfunction”!! Oh my my!! Of course it does, Genentech!! It makes my poor little delirious heart bleed. I definitely do not need to wait for the dysfunction!
After the chemo therapy, when Pradipta’s credit card is swiped, it yelps ”Oops!”. Genentech cries out “Yipeeeeeee!”, my heart leaks a few drops of blood and I groan ”Oh why Genentech? Why ?”
It was a jumbo chemo therapy that I went through on Thursday, 5th of August! The Taxol took 3 hours and Herceptin 1 hour. To add to this there was a pre medication of 30 minutes and a post medication of another 30 minutes… 5 hours!!! By the time the ordeal ended, I was six feet underground.
But that is a different story. Let me not digress.
Herceptin has no visible side effect, or at least I have not felt any as yet. But I am told that it effects the pumping of the heart. It is for this reason that I need to undergo an Echo Cardiogram every 3 months. My vodka plays mysterious tricks on me but the nectar of the blue lotus makes my heart bleed!
Herceptin is a drug made and distributed by an American biotechnology company called GENENTECH and it costs a fortune! Before I tell you any more about my bleeding heart, you must read what I read in the internet. I have only copied and condensed the relevant portions.
Trastuzumab
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
“Trastuzumab (INN; trade name Herceptin) Trastuzumab is an antibody that binds selectively to the HER2 protein. This increases the survival of people with cancer.
The original studies of trastuzumab showed that it improved survival in late-stage (metastatic) breast cancer, but there is controversy over whether trastuzumab is effective in earlier stage breast cancer. Trastuzumab is also controversial because of its cost, as much as $100,000 per year
One of the significant complications of trastuzumab is its effect on the heart. Trastuzumab is associated with cardiac dysfunction in 2-7% of cases. As a result, regular cardiac screening with either a MUGA scan or echocardiography is commonly undertaken during the trastuzumab treatment period.
The risk of cardiomyopathy is increased when trastuzumab is combined with anthracycline chemotherapy (which itself is associated with cardiac toxicity).
Few reporters have questioned the pricing of this drug but when asked, Genentech refuses to give details to explain the high costs.”
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trastuzumab
I heard what you just thought, “Of course, her heart would bleed!! Poor thing!!” You are so right!
The drug that I so desperately need to make me stay alive (not kicking, mind you!) is controversial not only because nobody knows at what stage of cancer it is effective, but also because it is so criminally expensive! Every time that I need to take an intravenous injection of Herceptin, it costs us anything between INR 1lakh, 18 thousand to INR 1 lakh, 25 thousand depending on the exchange rate for that day!! That is not even taking into account the usual hospital charges. Isn’t that preposterous?
Now, hold your breath! The High Maintenance Me needs 18 such Herceptin injections. I know that you would not dare to calculate, but would you send a word to God to remind Him that Pradipta and Sarbari Sen are just upper middle class average Indians who work hard to earn their bread and butter? Would you?
Do read the last 4 lines of my research, even if you did not feel like reading the rest of it. The delicious nectar causes a “risk of cardiac dysfunction”!! Oh my my!! Of course it does, Genentech!! It makes my poor little delirious heart bleed. I definitely do not need to wait for the dysfunction!
After the chemo therapy, when Pradipta’s credit card is swiped, it yelps ”Oops!”. Genentech cries out “Yipeeeeeee!”, my heart leaks a few drops of blood and I groan ”Oh why Genentech? Why ?”
Thursday, August 12, 2010
THEY HAVE HEARTS OF GOLD!
I could not possibly do without them! Throughout my post surgery and the chemo therapy days my home would not have run, we would not have had food to eat, Simba would not have survived, I would not even have managed to reach the hospital every other day if we had not had the support of these seven wonderful people who work for us.
Rumali, the girl who works in the house, is a perfect gem. She is young, attractive, intelligent and cheerful. She took care of the house while I was in bed recovering from the surgery or from the innumerable rounds of chemo therapy. Simba loves playing with her just as much as she loves being with him. They make such a noisy pair! Young Rumali does not take a single day off from work without giving prior notice to avoid any kind of inconvenience. She proudly calls herself the “supervisor” of my home!
Shikha dusts and cleans the house to perfection. She is quiet, polite and meticulous. One could not find flaw in her work even if one tried. Not one to take leave till she absolutely needs it, Shikha ensures that every thing is in perfect order in the house. She makes an extra effort as I am restricted to the bed much of the time.
Asha cooks for us and often does not keep too well. She is intelligent, polite and quick with her work. As I am compelled to eat food that has been freshly cooked at home, Asha avoids taking leave as much as she can. She ensures that all of us, including Simba eat warm, home cooked meals each day.
Bapi comes in once a week to do little odd jobs which are so important. He makes sure that all fans and lights are squeaky clean, glass panes are spotless and that Simba gets enough exercise.
The gardener, Jai also comes in once a week. He has been taking care of my plants for the last six years and proudly beams every time a flowering plant is in bloom.
Our two drivers Tirath Singh and Devinder Singh are totally indispensable even though three members out of the five of us are fully capable of driving. Both of them have neither ever been late for duty, nor have taken leave without prior information. They are so dependable!
These seven trustworthy people have hearts of gold. Their sensitivity, involvement and willingness to extend a helping hand have been pulling us through our difficult times. May God bless each one of them.
Rumali, the girl who works in the house, is a perfect gem. She is young, attractive, intelligent and cheerful. She took care of the house while I was in bed recovering from the surgery or from the innumerable rounds of chemo therapy. Simba loves playing with her just as much as she loves being with him. They make such a noisy pair! Young Rumali does not take a single day off from work without giving prior notice to avoid any kind of inconvenience. She proudly calls herself the “supervisor” of my home!
Shikha dusts and cleans the house to perfection. She is quiet, polite and meticulous. One could not find flaw in her work even if one tried. Not one to take leave till she absolutely needs it, Shikha ensures that every thing is in perfect order in the house. She makes an extra effort as I am restricted to the bed much of the time.
Asha cooks for us and often does not keep too well. She is intelligent, polite and quick with her work. As I am compelled to eat food that has been freshly cooked at home, Asha avoids taking leave as much as she can. She ensures that all of us, including Simba eat warm, home cooked meals each day.
Bapi comes in once a week to do little odd jobs which are so important. He makes sure that all fans and lights are squeaky clean, glass panes are spotless and that Simba gets enough exercise.
The gardener, Jai also comes in once a week. He has been taking care of my plants for the last six years and proudly beams every time a flowering plant is in bloom.
Our two drivers Tirath Singh and Devinder Singh are totally indispensable even though three members out of the five of us are fully capable of driving. Both of them have neither ever been late for duty, nor have taken leave without prior information. They are so dependable!
These seven trustworthy people have hearts of gold. Their sensitivity, involvement and willingness to extend a helping hand have been pulling us through our difficult times. May God bless each one of them.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
SIMBA IS SUCH A CLOWN!
Simba is my baby. He is 22 months old and is such a clown! He is a big golden Labrador who has gorgeous kohl lined eyes and an exceptionally keen eye sight. He has small ears but a sharp sense of hearing and has a long dark snout but is quite useless at sniffing. Now, can you believe that? Labradors are supposed to be sniffers, but no, not our dear junglee Simba!
I was petrified of him when he first came into the family. Pradipta held him in the crook of his arm and brought him in. Diya and Pradipta, being dog lovers were mesmerized by him. Tisham and I were far from it. The same evening the little fellow was unwell and needed to be rushed to the vet. We were told that he had chest congestion and unless well cared for, would not survive. Pradipta and Diya took care of him. That was when Tisham named him Simba, the Lion King.
It was one winter morning that the little fellow crept between Tisham’s feet as he sat at the table, that Tisham gave his heart to him. I took the longest, insisting that I did not want to have anything to do with the tiny pup.
One day Tisham took me to task and told me that little Simba had left his mum and family to be with us, and there I was not taking care of him, not caressing him!! I felt guilty and decided that come what may, I would learn to look after Simba. I started feeding him, and training him to go the toilet just as I had done for Diya and Tisham. The tiny fellow began to learn and would come and tell me when he wanted to pee or potty.
You do understand that all this bonding was strictly out of a feeling of guilt? As he grew, he was up to the most annoying things! My perfect home would be in a clutter when I returned from school. As he was teething, he gnawed a door post and chewed up a considerable bit. Much of the furniture was also chewed up. Once a TV remote was broken in bits and some portions of it showed up in his poop. Not much was spared; from plants to garments, to shoes, to fish food to pigeon droppings and even his own poop!! :) That was our Simba growing up!
While all these catastrophic events were raging in the house, quite unknowingly, I fell in love with this menace!
Today, this huge little fellow hates to see anything out of place at home. It upsets him to see anybody pluck a flower and he growls. He runs around the apartment playing “catching” or ‘fetching the ball” while wriggling and dodging furniture. He does not drop a single object! His entire hide wags when he wags his tail in utmost glee!
Every time that I return home after my chemo therapy, Simba knows that I am unwell. He does not disturb me in the least and does not lick me. He keeps sleeping next to my bed. I marvel at his sensitivity. Who taught him, I wonder.
Simba’s command over the English language extends to 10 words: apart from the usual “stay”, “sit”, “go”, “fetch” and “salute”, he is beside himself with excitement when he hears “doggie”, ”squirrel”, “pigeon”, “plane” and “bye”! He communicates with me in chaste Bengali while I have become quite a master in dog language!
The big brat, Simba Sen is the master of the family. His unconditional love overwhelms us. He makes us laugh. We adore the menace! :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
LIFE IS A BLESSING!
The other day, in the chemo day care room, I saw an elderly lady undergoing chemo therapy. It seemed that she was suffering so much that she was almost unconscious. I felt very sad on seeing her suffering and wondered why God was putting an old lady through it.
While I was trying to jerk myself out of this state of sadness, a gentleman, emerged out of one of the cabins, moving the curtain enough to reveal the patient inside. It was a frail young boy of about 16 years ! I was numbed! This seemed even more unfair! He had not tasted life as yet! Why should this little thing suffer?
Somewhere, I felt angry. I did not want anybody to suffer, to feel pain. I remembered my father being wheeled from one room to another in the hospital. I remembered the pain and the suffering that he had gone through. I remember him being numb with pain and I thought that God was so unfair.
Weren’t the pain and the suffering the reasons for the quest of the great Buddha? I do know that sadness, pain, suffering and loss are as much a part of life as are happiness, love and peace. Keeping my faith in the Almighty, I sent up a silent prayer for the aged lady and the little boy.
Ever since I have been fighting cancer, my own perspective of life has changed. I realize that Life is a blessing of God. Every moment that we have to live we must live it King size with no regrets.
When I look around me, I see the leaves on the trees are greener than ever before, there are flowers everywhere and there are beautiful green butterflies. Have you noticed them too? I notice the children playing around with such exuberance. I see the burst of colour and energy around me. I have begun noticing the colour of the sky, the formation of birds in flight and the expressions on people’s faces as they chat.
I realize that every day needs to be lived with love and cherished. If we could fill our cups with joys, big or small, the sorrows may seem less. My father was content with life. He always said that he had nothing more to ask for. At that time I did not completely understand what he meant. But now I think I do. It is important to count our blessings. Since life is a blessing, we need to celebrate it!
While I was trying to jerk myself out of this state of sadness, a gentleman, emerged out of one of the cabins, moving the curtain enough to reveal the patient inside. It was a frail young boy of about 16 years ! I was numbed! This seemed even more unfair! He had not tasted life as yet! Why should this little thing suffer?
Somewhere, I felt angry. I did not want anybody to suffer, to feel pain. I remembered my father being wheeled from one room to another in the hospital. I remembered the pain and the suffering that he had gone through. I remember him being numb with pain and I thought that God was so unfair.
Weren’t the pain and the suffering the reasons for the quest of the great Buddha? I do know that sadness, pain, suffering and loss are as much a part of life as are happiness, love and peace. Keeping my faith in the Almighty, I sent up a silent prayer for the aged lady and the little boy.
Ever since I have been fighting cancer, my own perspective of life has changed. I realize that Life is a blessing of God. Every moment that we have to live we must live it King size with no regrets.
When I look around me, I see the leaves on the trees are greener than ever before, there are flowers everywhere and there are beautiful green butterflies. Have you noticed them too? I notice the children playing around with such exuberance. I see the burst of colour and energy around me. I have begun noticing the colour of the sky, the formation of birds in flight and the expressions on people’s faces as they chat.
I realize that every day needs to be lived with love and cherished. If we could fill our cups with joys, big or small, the sorrows may seem less. My father was content with life. He always said that he had nothing more to ask for. At that time I did not completely understand what he meant. But now I think I do. It is important to count our blessings. Since life is a blessing, we need to celebrate it!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
VODKA IS SO DECEPTIVE!!
Do you remember that I drink Bloody Mary occasionally?
After four rounds of Campari, Gin and Tonic water, I am on Vodka now.
I am on a new drug for chemo therapy now…Paclitaxel or Taxol. I have had three rounds of it, and it marches me off to Hell! 500 ml of the blessed medicine is administered to me over 3hours! Then there is a pre medication of 30 minutes and a post medication of another 30 minutes. It drives me nuts!
By the time I stagger back home, I am groggy and so exhausted! Strangely, I am quite free from any kind of side effect till the next day. Just when I begin to hope that probably this time there is no adverse reaction, it hits me….BOOOOM!!!
I always believed that I could bear a lot of pain, but “body ache” has a new definition for me now. It feels as if my bones get pounded by a pestle and I am in crushing pain. I pop in paracetamols which only help to a certain degree, but when the vodka hits, it just hits!!
Around the 4th day after chemo, just when I have surrendered to the torture, the body ache mysteriously disappears. I keep expecting it, but it does not come back, as if it had never happened!! It makes an idiot out of me and that is when the REAL fun begins!!!
The neuropathic problem begins with my palms. They start tingling as if I have pins and needles and they burn. Then the uncomfortable sensation gradually spreads to almost every where on the body. It is so unbearable that I don’t think I know a word to describe it. I am in utter agony and there is absolutely no way of getting rid of it!!
Dear Dr Rao has prescribed Lyrica capsules to reduce the problem, but I have taken to chanting and meditation in a serious way. It may sound ridiculous and idiotic, but I believe that I can control it to a certain degree by controlling my mind. And that is exactly what I have been practicing. Every time a bout hits me, I sit down; I calm myself and I either chant or meditate. Sometimes I need to do both. The intensity of the bout reduces.
As I said, it may be stupid, but I am surviving on it so far!! I pray to God that it sees me through the last round of chemo therapy. I keep my faith.
After four rounds of Campari, Gin and Tonic water, I am on Vodka now.
I am on a new drug for chemo therapy now…Paclitaxel or Taxol. I have had three rounds of it, and it marches me off to Hell! 500 ml of the blessed medicine is administered to me over 3hours! Then there is a pre medication of 30 minutes and a post medication of another 30 minutes. It drives me nuts!
By the time I stagger back home, I am groggy and so exhausted! Strangely, I am quite free from any kind of side effect till the next day. Just when I begin to hope that probably this time there is no adverse reaction, it hits me….BOOOOM!!!
I always believed that I could bear a lot of pain, but “body ache” has a new definition for me now. It feels as if my bones get pounded by a pestle and I am in crushing pain. I pop in paracetamols which only help to a certain degree, but when the vodka hits, it just hits!!
Around the 4th day after chemo, just when I have surrendered to the torture, the body ache mysteriously disappears. I keep expecting it, but it does not come back, as if it had never happened!! It makes an idiot out of me and that is when the REAL fun begins!!!
The neuropathic problem begins with my palms. They start tingling as if I have pins and needles and they burn. Then the uncomfortable sensation gradually spreads to almost every where on the body. It is so unbearable that I don’t think I know a word to describe it. I am in utter agony and there is absolutely no way of getting rid of it!!
Dear Dr Rao has prescribed Lyrica capsules to reduce the problem, but I have taken to chanting and meditation in a serious way. It may sound ridiculous and idiotic, but I believe that I can control it to a certain degree by controlling my mind. And that is exactly what I have been practicing. Every time a bout hits me, I sit down; I calm myself and I either chant or meditate. Sometimes I need to do both. The intensity of the bout reduces.
As I said, it may be stupid, but I am surviving on it so far!! I pray to God that it sees me through the last round of chemo therapy. I keep my faith.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I AM SUCH A SHOW OFF!!! :))
Dr Ranga Rao has heard me blow my trumpet about a million times. To shut me up he says that he will get in touch with the Limca Book of Records!!
You see, 24 hours after every chemo therapy I need to take Neupogen injections for eight consecutive days to increase my blood count. In spite of my disastrous weakness, I used to have to go to a nearby hospital every single day only to have the injection administered. It used to kill me. On one such day while the nurse was giving me the injection, she mentioned that one could also administer it oneself. That did it!
The next time that I went in for chemo therapy, I asked dear sister Raji to teach me. By the time I staggered back home, I was convinced that I would administer it myself. Pradipta did not want to argue as I was so unwell.
I began the next day. At first I could not even open the blessed phial. My hands shook as I fixed the needle. I was nervous yet dead certain that I would do it. I did it!!! :)
My blood count shot up in that cycle. Dr Rao laughed. I announced that I had administered the injections myself. “Now I know the reason for such a blood count!” He said. He reduced the number of injections to five.
I rang up my mum, I rang up Mithu, my sister and I rang up my friend Nita. I blew my trumpet and told them of my achievement! But that was not enough. During my last round of chemo therapy, my surgeon, Dr. Sahni walked into the chemo room to say “Hello!” to me. I always love chatting with him, so how could I deny myself my moment of glory? I needed to show off to him too!
And now, whether you have or haven’t realized, I need to show off to you too! So here goes a post on my blog “I GIVE MYSELF INJECTIONS!! AHEM!!! ":)
You see, 24 hours after every chemo therapy I need to take Neupogen injections for eight consecutive days to increase my blood count. In spite of my disastrous weakness, I used to have to go to a nearby hospital every single day only to have the injection administered. It used to kill me. On one such day while the nurse was giving me the injection, she mentioned that one could also administer it oneself. That did it!
The next time that I went in for chemo therapy, I asked dear sister Raji to teach me. By the time I staggered back home, I was convinced that I would administer it myself. Pradipta did not want to argue as I was so unwell.
I began the next day. At first I could not even open the blessed phial. My hands shook as I fixed the needle. I was nervous yet dead certain that I would do it. I did it!!! :)
My blood count shot up in that cycle. Dr Rao laughed. I announced that I had administered the injections myself. “Now I know the reason for such a blood count!” He said. He reduced the number of injections to five.
I rang up my mum, I rang up Mithu, my sister and I rang up my friend Nita. I blew my trumpet and told them of my achievement! But that was not enough. During my last round of chemo therapy, my surgeon, Dr. Sahni walked into the chemo room to say “Hello!” to me. I always love chatting with him, so how could I deny myself my moment of glory? I needed to show off to him too!
And now, whether you have or haven’t realized, I need to show off to you too! So here goes a post on my blog “I GIVE MYSELF INJECTIONS!! AHEM!!! ":)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A WORLD FULL OF ANGELS
I have a host of angels around me. My Creator knew that I needed them desperately and He decided to be generous.
Pradipta, my husband is my very best friend. He is a pillar of strength and is with me every moment. He, and the children, Diya and Tisham live with me through my highs and lows, through my happy moments and my grouchy state. They have such patience!
My mum worries about me a lot. My brother and my sister keep a brave face but I know that they are very anxious too. They ring me up every day! Pradipta’s parents, his cousins, my cousins, in fact both our families shower so much love and concern. I keep wondering if I really deserve all of it!
My friends, Madhu, Soma, Dipadi and her husband were continuously with Pradipta when I was undergoing surgery. Their very presence made such a difference to him! Madhu and Soma are two very special friends.
Then there are my dear friends Mahua, Manisha and Meena who taught me to chant "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo". Each day that I feel low, I turn to Mahua. Her unceasing and encouraging messages never fail to renew my courage. She is so amazing!
Meena is my beautiful friend at VLCC. She would not let me pay for going bald and chants for me everyday no matter how tired she is. Then there is Farukh, my favourite hair stylist at VLCC. He was happy to cut my hair short but his eyes moistened when he was to shave my head a fortnight later. He did not even accept a tip! I was so humbled by his sensitivity!
My very dear friend Nita, practices Reiki and is a disciple of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Every time I struggle, I am certain there are blessings coming my way from her. No matter how busy she is, she finds time to speak to me almost every day!
Sangeeta Goel and Renu Gulati are perfect gems! Sangeeta types out jokes for me every morning to ensure that I laugh when I begin my day! Lena, Sumita, Sunanda, Ena, Godavari, Rechenda and Rakhee are such dear friends and so very caring!
There are my school friends whom I have known since the age of six! They would not let me sink. Mudita says I cannot sink when there are so many floats around! There is Prabha, Mudita, Anjali, Sonia, Jasho and a host of others. Ritu, Nisha and Nita are with me whenever I need them. They make me laugh. It gives me such pleasure to be with them!
Dear Mrs Reinu Nagarkar, my Head Mistress at DPS RK Puram enquires after me every single day. Inspite of her busy schedule, she always finds time! There are my other colleagues and friends like Jyoti Bakshi, Rewa, Prema, Suman and Laxmi. I am certain that I do not deserve the immense love that they all send me!
My neighbors Suniti Agha, Rewathi , Nandini Gulati and Subroto and Sharmila Majumdar are terrific people. Nandini heads a spiritual group and reached out to me when I was struggling. Subroto and Sharmila began chanting for me! They are all there for me all the time.
This morning, as I read a warm message from my dear student Sanya, I wondered why God created a world full of angels. I feel a warm glow as I look around and see my family and friends. I am so humbled by their love and I know I cannot sink. I must swim!
Pradipta, my husband is my very best friend. He is a pillar of strength and is with me every moment. He, and the children, Diya and Tisham live with me through my highs and lows, through my happy moments and my grouchy state. They have such patience!
My mum worries about me a lot. My brother and my sister keep a brave face but I know that they are very anxious too. They ring me up every day! Pradipta’s parents, his cousins, my cousins, in fact both our families shower so much love and concern. I keep wondering if I really deserve all of it!
My friends, Madhu, Soma, Dipadi and her husband were continuously with Pradipta when I was undergoing surgery. Their very presence made such a difference to him! Madhu and Soma are two very special friends.
Then there are my dear friends Mahua, Manisha and Meena who taught me to chant "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo". Each day that I feel low, I turn to Mahua. Her unceasing and encouraging messages never fail to renew my courage. She is so amazing!
Meena is my beautiful friend at VLCC. She would not let me pay for going bald and chants for me everyday no matter how tired she is. Then there is Farukh, my favourite hair stylist at VLCC. He was happy to cut my hair short but his eyes moistened when he was to shave my head a fortnight later. He did not even accept a tip! I was so humbled by his sensitivity!
My very dear friend Nita, practices Reiki and is a disciple of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Every time I struggle, I am certain there are blessings coming my way from her. No matter how busy she is, she finds time to speak to me almost every day!
Sangeeta Goel and Renu Gulati are perfect gems! Sangeeta types out jokes for me every morning to ensure that I laugh when I begin my day! Lena, Sumita, Sunanda, Ena, Godavari, Rechenda and Rakhee are such dear friends and so very caring!
There are my school friends whom I have known since the age of six! They would not let me sink. Mudita says I cannot sink when there are so many floats around! There is Prabha, Mudita, Anjali, Sonia, Jasho and a host of others. Ritu, Nisha and Nita are with me whenever I need them. They make me laugh. It gives me such pleasure to be with them!
Dear Mrs Reinu Nagarkar, my Head Mistress at DPS RK Puram enquires after me every single day. Inspite of her busy schedule, she always finds time! There are my other colleagues and friends like Jyoti Bakshi, Rewa, Prema, Suman and Laxmi. I am certain that I do not deserve the immense love that they all send me!
My neighbors Suniti Agha, Rewathi , Nandini Gulati and Subroto and Sharmila Majumdar are terrific people. Nandini heads a spiritual group and reached out to me when I was struggling. Subroto and Sharmila began chanting for me! They are all there for me all the time.
This morning, as I read a warm message from my dear student Sanya, I wondered why God created a world full of angels. I feel a warm glow as I look around and see my family and friends. I am so humbled by their love and I know I cannot sink. I must swim!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
BEAUTIFUL LINES !
I read these beautiful lines somewhere:
anywhere i roam, where i lay my head is home
carved upon my stone, my body lie but still i roam
anywhere i roam, where i lay my head is home
carved upon my stone, my body lie but still i roam
BALD IS BOLD!
I lost 75% of my hair in the shower that day. That was the 11th day after the first round of chemo. Considering all the compliments that I received, I thought I quite liked my short hair style. Unfortunately it was not to last. My hair just dropped off… swish….as if I had been sporting a wig!
Well, I decided that I would look pretty stunning if I went bald. I also decided that I needed to be courageous and shave off my hair. My wonderful doctors, Dr Sid Sahni and Dr. Ranga Rao endorsed my decision.
I walked into VLCC and confided in Meena, my dear friend. She whisked me off to a private room, called Farukh, my favorite hair stylist, and told him what needed to be done. Farukh just stared at the few remaining strands for a split second as I took off my fashionable hat. He gave me a big smile, but his eyes almost leaked. He finished his job in minutes.
My mum wept on seeing me when I returned home. But I inspected my skull like a critic inspecting a precious piece of sculpture, tried various innovative ways of sporting the bandanas, and decided that being bald was not quite so bad.
Well, I decided that I would look pretty stunning if I went bald. I also decided that I needed to be courageous and shave off my hair. My wonderful doctors, Dr Sid Sahni and Dr. Ranga Rao endorsed my decision.
I walked into VLCC and confided in Meena, my dear friend. She whisked me off to a private room, called Farukh, my favorite hair stylist, and told him what needed to be done. Farukh just stared at the few remaining strands for a split second as I took off my fashionable hat. He gave me a big smile, but his eyes almost leaked. He finished his job in minutes.
My mum wept on seeing me when I returned home. But I inspected my skull like a critic inspecting a precious piece of sculpture, tried various innovative ways of sporting the bandanas, and decided that being bald was not quite so bad.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I WAS DRUNK!! YIPEE!! :)
It is unbelievable how useless I am at drinking alcohol! Other than the occasional Bloody Mary, it is only the saintly Nimbu Soda that I can take. I gave up pretending or trying to be the “in”, fashionable lady ages back!
The chemo therapy started on the 29th of April. That was the dreaded day. I was terrified! Early in the morning the nurses walked in smiling brightly. They carried all kinds of stuff that made me even more scared.
One of the nurses inserted the needle through my chemo port while another hung up a thick plastic packet and attached it to the needle. She said it was a “pre medication” before the chemo. It was going to last for 30 minutes. That was the soda I took in, thinking “That is so easy”!!
Campari came next. It was Adriamycin, gorgeously red and deadly!! Drop by drop it seeped in me as I stared at its beautiful red colour. I began to feel drowsy. The sweet sister assured me it was perfectly timed to seep in for the next 30 minutes. “Great”, I thought.
Feeling relatively drunk, I passed in and out of sleep when I felt a tug at that tube connected to my needle. I was through with beautiful campari. This was another bigger white packet. “What is this, sister?” I croaked. She replied, “Endoxan” with such joy! “Oh, that is gin, then”, I told myself, and sank back.
The potent gin pushed its way through my needle drop by drop for the next one hour. I had almost passed out by then. Remember how useless I am at taking alcoholic drinks? Two hours was certainly a bit much!
I was totally drunk. I could not think or open my eyes. “The last 30 minutes”, said Sister. “This is post medication and flush for the chemo port,” she added. “No problem, Sister.” I muttered. Tonic water would do me good. I sank back helplessly into my drunken state. There was peace all around me. I had undergone my first chemo therapy!
The chemo therapy started on the 29th of April. That was the dreaded day. I was terrified! Early in the morning the nurses walked in smiling brightly. They carried all kinds of stuff that made me even more scared.
One of the nurses inserted the needle through my chemo port while another hung up a thick plastic packet and attached it to the needle. She said it was a “pre medication” before the chemo. It was going to last for 30 minutes. That was the soda I took in, thinking “That is so easy”!!
Campari came next. It was Adriamycin, gorgeously red and deadly!! Drop by drop it seeped in me as I stared at its beautiful red colour. I began to feel drowsy. The sweet sister assured me it was perfectly timed to seep in for the next 30 minutes. “Great”, I thought.
Feeling relatively drunk, I passed in and out of sleep when I felt a tug at that tube connected to my needle. I was through with beautiful campari. This was another bigger white packet. “What is this, sister?” I croaked. She replied, “Endoxan” with such joy! “Oh, that is gin, then”, I told myself, and sank back.
The potent gin pushed its way through my needle drop by drop for the next one hour. I had almost passed out by then. Remember how useless I am at taking alcoholic drinks? Two hours was certainly a bit much!
I was totally drunk. I could not think or open my eyes. “The last 30 minutes”, said Sister. “This is post medication and flush for the chemo port,” she added. “No problem, Sister.” I muttered. Tonic water would do me good. I sank back helplessly into my drunken state. There was peace all around me. I had undergone my first chemo therapy!
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Bus Stand
THE BUS STAND
This was the 5th time that I had gone under the knife for some blessed reason or another. I was kind of used to the OTs and Recovering Rooms. I was also kind of familiar with the feeling of being thrown in Hell, somebody lifting the heavy body, throwing it on another bed, passing out, feeling miserable, then hearing my husband’s comforting voice etc. These were the usual feelings.
This time, the 5th time, I was lying on a hospital bed in a Recovering room, awaiting my turn to be wheeled into the OT. For some weird reason I was petrified this time. Apart from the fact that I was suffering from the dreaded “C” disease, I think I was also afraid because the surgeon, Dr Sid Sahni, said that only after the surgery, when the sentinel nodes had been biopsied, could he for certain tell us whether the cancer had spread anywhere else or not. I was in jitters and so was Pradipta, I think!
It seemed an eternity as I lay on that narrow bed, praying. Once the wonderful hospital staff and the polite anesthetist had finished off with the formalities, nobody really seemed to even acknowledge my presence. I looked around trying to calm myself down. I was in this enormous hall with innumerable cubicles separated by white curtains. There were patients being wheeled in and wheeled out. “Number 23 to go to OT 5” somebody shouted. Within minutes nurses began rolling out a bed like mine! Oh my God, what number am I, I wondered. Soon I heard, “Number 15 “opthal”. to go to cabin 10”. I have no idea, whether the patient rolled into the RR was number 15 or not but that somebody had countless tubes fitted all over the face!!! I could not for the life of me, guess whether the person was a woman or a man!!
I felt small, in fact insignificant, and indignant over there! I always knew that I was a perfectly nice, relatively special woman, considering that my family and friends loved me. I thought that I had an identity, a name. I thought that I was “someone”. You know what I mean…some one special in a nice sort of a way!! Well, I felt insignificant because, there, I was not a person with a name or anything. I was just a number! In fact I was not even “someone”. I was just a puny “something”!!
I realized that the Recovering Room was just like a bus stand. People just boarded beds and went into or left the OTs. Their names, sex, achievements or their failures did not matter in the least. Every hospital staff is a “karma yogi”. Each on of them went about doing the jobs to the best of one’s ability with a smile on the lips.
I demand, I desire, I achieve, or I fail. I see Life in its complexities. Yet Life is so very simple! At the end of the day, all that I recognize, is my smallness in the face of Life!!
This was the 5th time that I had gone under the knife for some blessed reason or another. I was kind of used to the OTs and Recovering Rooms. I was also kind of familiar with the feeling of being thrown in Hell, somebody lifting the heavy body, throwing it on another bed, passing out, feeling miserable, then hearing my husband’s comforting voice etc. These were the usual feelings.
This time, the 5th time, I was lying on a hospital bed in a Recovering room, awaiting my turn to be wheeled into the OT. For some weird reason I was petrified this time. Apart from the fact that I was suffering from the dreaded “C” disease, I think I was also afraid because the surgeon, Dr Sid Sahni, said that only after the surgery, when the sentinel nodes had been biopsied, could he for certain tell us whether the cancer had spread anywhere else or not. I was in jitters and so was Pradipta, I think!
It seemed an eternity as I lay on that narrow bed, praying. Once the wonderful hospital staff and the polite anesthetist had finished off with the formalities, nobody really seemed to even acknowledge my presence. I looked around trying to calm myself down. I was in this enormous hall with innumerable cubicles separated by white curtains. There were patients being wheeled in and wheeled out. “Number 23 to go to OT 5” somebody shouted. Within minutes nurses began rolling out a bed like mine! Oh my God, what number am I, I wondered. Soon I heard, “Number 15 “opthal”. to go to cabin 10”. I have no idea, whether the patient rolled into the RR was number 15 or not but that somebody had countless tubes fitted all over the face!!! I could not for the life of me, guess whether the person was a woman or a man!!
I felt small, in fact insignificant, and indignant over there! I always knew that I was a perfectly nice, relatively special woman, considering that my family and friends loved me. I thought that I had an identity, a name. I thought that I was “someone”. You know what I mean…some one special in a nice sort of a way!! Well, I felt insignificant because, there, I was not a person with a name or anything. I was just a number! In fact I was not even “someone”. I was just a puny “something”!!
I realized that the Recovering Room was just like a bus stand. People just boarded beds and went into or left the OTs. Their names, sex, achievements or their failures did not matter in the least. Every hospital staff is a “karma yogi”. Each on of them went about doing the jobs to the best of one’s ability with a smile on the lips.
I demand, I desire, I achieve, or I fail. I see Life in its complexities. Yet Life is so very simple! At the end of the day, all that I recognize, is my smallness in the face of Life!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Keep smiling!
I am invariably in a grouchy mood till a week after my chemo therapy. I bite my tongue every time I want to chew up somebody. Most of the time I think I am successful…at controlling that overpowering urge. Of course I am not. I end up snapping, cribbing, ticking off my husband and my children. The net result is that I end up fighting and then drowning in self sympathy.
The truth is that I am in misery. Every possible side effect of the chemo drugs reigns over me. I feel drowsy and lethargic. I am weak. The nausea kills me. My mouth is full of ulcers. My tongue aches. I cannot swallow the food which in any case has no taste. My stomach aches and my heart burns. Not a short, tidy list, isn’t it?
Yet, I can sink only that deep. I cannot possibly die of misery when I already have an option of dying of something as majestic as cancer!!! So I keep popping in various capsules to keep my self afloat.
While those colourful pellets, one, two, three and more go in, I realize that the most important duty of my life is to be happy. I call it “duty”. It is so easy to bask in self pity. It is so easy to call my family and friends and tell them how unfortunate I am, how much I am suffering and how unjust God is. It does not reduce my suffering in the least; it just increases somebody else’s. Isn’t there enough misery in the world already?
I figure that I cannot chew the food, it is painful. But I can relish yogurt or gorge on stewed apples and vanilla ice cream! So there you go…much of my misery reduced! I attack juicy melons, mangoes, bananas, yogurts, ice creams and kheer with such passion…it is unbelievable! I also do not need to worry about adding kilos…I am a cancer patient, remember? I am happy and so is everybody around me.
I do not want to chit chat with anybody…I am grouchy and I feel like being nasty. I develop a new strategy…just ignore the world around me. I pick up little children’s books to read or just watch mushy romantic films. Such fun!!
The point is who wants to be with grouchy negative people? Look for the positives in a disastrously negative situation. So what if you don’t have a, b, c? You at least have x, y, z. You will see the rainbow. It will make you smile and the world around you will smile at your positivity.
I am invariably in a grouchy mood till a week after my chemo therapy. I bite my tongue every time I want to chew up somebody. Most of the time I think I am successful…at controlling that overpowering urge. Of course I am not. I end up snapping, cribbing, ticking off my husband and my children. The net result is that I end up fighting and then drowning in self sympathy.
The truth is that I am in misery. Every possible side effect of the chemo drugs reigns over me. I feel drowsy and lethargic. I am weak. The nausea kills me. My mouth is full of ulcers. My tongue aches. I cannot swallow the food which in any case has no taste. My stomach aches and my heart burns. Not a short, tidy list, isn’t it?
Yet, I can sink only that deep. I cannot possibly die of misery when I already have an option of dying of something as majestic as cancer!!! So I keep popping in various capsules to keep my self afloat.
While those colourful pellets, one, two, three and more go in, I realize that the most important duty of my life is to be happy. I call it “duty”. It is so easy to bask in self pity. It is so easy to call my family and friends and tell them how unfortunate I am, how much I am suffering and how unjust God is. It does not reduce my suffering in the least; it just increases somebody else’s. Isn’t there enough misery in the world already?
I figure that I cannot chew the food, it is painful. But I can relish yogurt or gorge on stewed apples and vanilla ice cream! So there you go…much of my misery reduced! I attack juicy melons, mangoes, bananas, yogurts, ice creams and kheer with such passion…it is unbelievable! I also do not need to worry about adding kilos…I am a cancer patient, remember? I am happy and so is everybody around me.
I do not want to chit chat with anybody…I am grouchy and I feel like being nasty. I develop a new strategy…just ignore the world around me. I pick up little children’s books to read or just watch mushy romantic films. Such fun!!
The point is who wants to be with grouchy negative people? Look for the positives in a disastrously negative situation. So what if you don’t have a, b, c? You at least have x, y, z. You will see the rainbow. It will make you smile and the world around you will smile at your positivity.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I heard the voice of God!
June 23rd
I went back to the only place I go nowadays…the hospital. I had to get all my organs checked up. I rushed from one room to another quite mechanically. You see, I am used to baring my body for tests.
One such room that I rushed into was for Echo Cardiogram. I cheerfully changed into a hospital gown and lied down on the narrow bed. The female assistant smiled at me and made me turn to my side. The doctor walked in and chatted up the young girl. He switched on his machine, applied jelly on my breast and began gliding the monitor over it. I lied still and suddenly I heard “slush, slush, slush, slush”. Was that my heart beating? The doctor shifted the monitor while chatting with the girl and again I heard the magical sound of “slush, slush, slush, slush”. But this time it was a deep reverberating sound. That was my heart again!! I wanted to shout out, “ I am alive! I am alive! That’s My heart!”.
I always thought that the heart ticked away like the clock…it went tic, toc, tic, toc. I couldn’t imagine that it could ever sound like the slush of water…in fact like the waves against the sea shore. Of course this rhythm was a lot faster than the sea waves. As I pondered over this it struck me that my little heart has been rhythmically slushing at this pace day and night for the last 48 years that I have been living. If it took a second off from its job, I would have been declared dead!!!! If I wash three loads of linen in the washing machine one day, I worry that it needs to rest. If the computer is old or over worked, it “hangs” itself, if the car has run too many miles, it needs servicing….what about this little machine called the “heart”?
If I stand for too long, I need to sit. If I sit for too long, I need to stand. If I work a little more than usual one day, I need rest. If I am up till late one night, even for a perfectly worthy reason, I need to sleep till late. What about this little “heart”? All the while that I sit or stand or rest or sleep, it works on… slush slush…untiringly!!! What an unnerving thought!!! It hits me so vey hard as I realize that I abuse this little machine just about any time and in any way that I want. If I want to stuff fatty food, I do so. If I want to be lazy, I am. I feel guilty and would like to find a fine majestic excuse…but I cannot. No matter what I do, I want my heart to slush on for ever…never slow down and of course never ever, ever “hang up”!!! Even 100 years is not enough, isn’t it?
So this little heart, the God made little marvel is expected to tick on, forever if possible, and do I question the proof of existence of God??
Pandit Laxminarayanan ji of the Vedanta Institute who teaches us the Bhagawad Gita says that, the fact that we are alive in this world is the proof of existence of God. Today I heard the voice of God!!
I went back to the only place I go nowadays…the hospital. I had to get all my organs checked up. I rushed from one room to another quite mechanically. You see, I am used to baring my body for tests.
One such room that I rushed into was for Echo Cardiogram. I cheerfully changed into a hospital gown and lied down on the narrow bed. The female assistant smiled at me and made me turn to my side. The doctor walked in and chatted up the young girl. He switched on his machine, applied jelly on my breast and began gliding the monitor over it. I lied still and suddenly I heard “slush, slush, slush, slush”. Was that my heart beating? The doctor shifted the monitor while chatting with the girl and again I heard the magical sound of “slush, slush, slush, slush”. But this time it was a deep reverberating sound. That was my heart again!! I wanted to shout out, “ I am alive! I am alive! That’s My heart!”.
I always thought that the heart ticked away like the clock…it went tic, toc, tic, toc. I couldn’t imagine that it could ever sound like the slush of water…in fact like the waves against the sea shore. Of course this rhythm was a lot faster than the sea waves. As I pondered over this it struck me that my little heart has been rhythmically slushing at this pace day and night for the last 48 years that I have been living. If it took a second off from its job, I would have been declared dead!!!! If I wash three loads of linen in the washing machine one day, I worry that it needs to rest. If the computer is old or over worked, it “hangs” itself, if the car has run too many miles, it needs servicing….what about this little machine called the “heart”?
If I stand for too long, I need to sit. If I sit for too long, I need to stand. If I work a little more than usual one day, I need rest. If I am up till late one night, even for a perfectly worthy reason, I need to sleep till late. What about this little “heart”? All the while that I sit or stand or rest or sleep, it works on… slush slush…untiringly!!! What an unnerving thought!!! It hits me so vey hard as I realize that I abuse this little machine just about any time and in any way that I want. If I want to stuff fatty food, I do so. If I want to be lazy, I am. I feel guilty and would like to find a fine majestic excuse…but I cannot. No matter what I do, I want my heart to slush on for ever…never slow down and of course never ever, ever “hang up”!!! Even 100 years is not enough, isn’t it?
So this little heart, the God made little marvel is expected to tick on, forever if possible, and do I question the proof of existence of God??
Pandit Laxminarayanan ji of the Vedanta Institute who teaches us the Bhagawad Gita says that, the fact that we are alive in this world is the proof of existence of God. Today I heard the voice of God!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I was running a marathon!!!
Not literally silly!!
Ever since I had quit my job of 18 years, I had every finger in every pie. I was not bored for a day. I had so very much to do...the boys, poised precariously at the brink of CBSE exams, were coming in to study; two little ones were also coming in to study French; the French books that my friends and I had written needed editing; and I had also taken up a mammoth task of teaching spoken English to a very enthusiastic but immensely inhibited group of 26 under privileged children!!!
I had absolutely no time to waste...I was very busy and I felt so important!!! Then it all happened suddenly!! I went for a perfectly "fashionable" health check-up.....and lo and behold I was detected with Breast Cancer!!
Only if the doctors knew that they spoke total gibberish!! What on earth were they trying to tell me? Breast Cancer? Me? What utter nonsense!!! My time was not up yet! They were just after my money!!! They were so incompetent with their work!!......I was in a whirlpool of indignant thoughts.
One test lead to another and opened up a Pandorus Box...it was an extremely aggressive strain which normally explodes in the body! I was on the operating table in three days time and before I could count ten my beautiful, organised and comfortable world had undergone a tornado.
Somebody jerk me out of this nightmare, I implore you!!
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